6 Steps To Not Stress Over The US Election

This is a stressful time. 

Regardless of your political affiliations, today, tomorrow, and the next day, and probably a couple of days after that, you are going to be tied to your devices listening to people who know exactly as little as you tell you that they know absolutely nothing at all. Your neck will tense. You will share various infographics on your instagram story. You will draft a heartfelt yet frustrated political message to either tweet or post on instagram but you will get nervous about the grammar and ultimately go back to resharing memes that make fun of things that you hardly understand. You life will be tough for the next few days, and that’s okay, but there is a better way. We have been through this before, we know how difficult it can be to continue to exist in this political climate, so we here at Monster Children have formulated a six-step process for living a better, less stressful, more fulfilling life, and we are glad to share it with you now.

Take a deep breath

Hey, you. You’re really going through it, huh? Doom scrolling on your phone watching the world end between celebrity gossip and clips of hot teenagers doing dances to sped up versions of songs you loved as a kid. You’re losing your fucking mind, but it’s important to remember to take things one at a time. To do that, clear your head with a few deep breaths. 

Turn off your phone

I know that you want to stay up to date on the latest calamity. I know that if you don’t post about the bullshit electoral college system, nothing will ever change! You are after all the most important person in the world, and it’s up to you to post a graphically designed slogan about voters’ rights between front camera flash photos of you bored at the club. But it’s time to give that little bugger a rest! And by that little bugger, I mean your phone, but also, you! Turn that baby off for a while, or heck, maybe forever! Imagine how good life would be if you no longer were beholden to the weights of the world, right in the palm of your hand! You’ve seen videos and photos of the announcement that WWII ended, and it wasn’t via an NPR correspondent's personal Twitter. That looked fun, right? People were dancing in the street! Sailors kissing nurses, it was a great time. Maybe chuck that phone out the window, or better yet, smash it with a rock! 

Go for a walk

Ah yes, now that you’re free from the long arm of technology, let's step outside and get some fresh air. Step out, breathe in that crisp fall wind, and put one foot in front of the other. Head on down the street and catch yourself in the reflection of a car window. Hey! You’re lookin’ pretty good! Don’t worry about why that car is on fire and overturned, just know that you look great, you’re doing great, and you’re practicing self care. Oh, you never noticed that you’re a mere eight miles from some nice big forest? Eight is a lucky number, let’s hit the old dusty trail and get you into some greenery. 

Shed your burdenous clothing

Geez, global warming is making the November air not all that crisp. Boy, is it hot out, and boy are your clothes soaked in sweat! That sweat is weighing you down, totally, but it’s really your clothes’ fault for holding it all. Maybe just pop that shirt off for a bit and feel the breeze. Oh man, you’re out in the middle of the woods, no one’s around, let’s pop those pants and boxers off, too! See isn’t that better? Just the way the creator of your specific religion intended. 

Burn your money

Now that your phone is smashed, you’re out in the middle of the woods alone and you’re completely naked, you’ve finally got some time to think things over. This election is so tense because you’ve got so much at stake! What with inflation, the economy, and gee life was hard enough already! You’re scraping by on a board shaper’s or drug dealer’s or whatever weirdo job you do’s salary, how can it get any worse? Bummer time, it can always get worse. But it’s not the drugs or the board shaping or your parents or your ex’s fault, it’s this gosh darn exploitative capitalist system that’s bringin’ ya down, silly! Reach into your pants pocket and pull out your wallet and find that it’s full of money and credit cards, the very tools of the oppressors themselves! Reach into your other pocket and pull out a lighter to start a fire (and lucky you, you’re surrounded by fire wood). Gather up some twigs, spark a little fire in them and show those darn politicians what's what: chuck your cash and cards in there! Ahhhhh yes, shedding the shackles of the system designed to keep you sedated and demeaned: isn’t this great?

Live among the trees

And just like that, no more election stress. Congratulations, you are stress free, off the grid, and living the way you were meant to! No more tense shoulders or doom scrolls for you, just beautiful sunsets, fresh picked berries, and shitting on the floor. Score one for you! Better luck next time, Republicans!