What Your Drink Order Says About You
By Isabelle Webster
As the ‘Wine Girl™’ I frequently get handed the wine list or asked to bring the bottle(s), which is fine because I’ll just get what I want to drink and you can learn to like it, thank you for coming, you’re welcome.
For context, I am a self-confessed booze snob and you best believe I judge you on your drink order (and the way you treat the staff while you do so). Of course. My judgement also depends greatly on the location. If you’re at the pub and you order a schooner of lager, you’re absolutely doing it right and I really have nothing more to say about it. If, however, you order a margarita at an Italian restaurant, I will assume you are a dickhead. So, without further ado, here’s what your drink order says about you.
Tequila
Tequila is the best, but if you order a shot of tequila for your first drink of the night (and force your friends to join you), you’re definitely the fun time girl who laughs too loud and doesn’t have an inside voice. I love drinking both mezcal and tequila, but that doesn’t mean it’s always a good idea. Like a pink sparkly cowboy hat, there’s a time and a place.
Negroni
Look, I love a Negroni, I do—and I get it, they’re very ‘cool’ to order—but if any drink says ‘Millennial,’ this is probably it. However, like all things popular, there is an element of the Emperor’s New Clothes here that’s hard to overlook. Just because your friends drink Negronis doesn’t mean you have to. Your friends probably ‘really love’ Fellini films and will make you watch them in Italian, but they probably own a George Clooney-endorsed Nespresso machine too. Maybe try an Americano.
Wine
Your wine choice makes a pretty big statement about who you are, and there are nuances to wine ordering that can be very telling. Are you ordering a heavy, full-bodied red even though it’s 37 degrees out? Do you think white wine with steak is abhorrent? Maybe you should learn to have your own opinion, and drink whatever you feel like. Rosé isn’t just for Instagram and brunch. Chardonnay doesn’t always taste like buttery regret, and pinot noir won’t make you seem more worldly than you are. It’s liberating to drink whatever you goddamn feel like, and it’s hot knowing what you want. Just don’t have a cabernet with oysters…
Old Fashioned
If you think the bartender wants to have a long chat about what whisky they have on the back bar, you might be mistaken; and extra points if the conversation includes, ‘Do you make a good Old Fashioned?’ The implication that the bartender might not is downright rude. If you think you can make a better one, stay home and do that. A good old fashioned is the sum of its parts (like how a group of sixes look like tens when they’re together), as long as all of the ingredients are good, the cocktail will be drinkable. But if you really like whisky, just have a whisky. And don’t tell me you only like single malt. I only ‘like’ single men, but the ones who aren’t are usually way more interesting and complex (this is a blended whisky joke and nothing more).
Martini
The Martini is my cocktail of choice. It’s how you drink it that gives you away. Gin or vodka? Wet or dry? Twist or olives? Do you like it dirty? Anyone who really loves drinking a martini has an exact order, with specific language to describe it. Mine is ‘Gin, up, just a little bit wet, with a twist,’ and I am comfortable with my status as a wanker, thank-you. A quick google informed me that there are tips and tricks to ordering a martini ‘like a man,’ but I’m here to tell you that a direct and self-assured martini order is hot no matter your pronouns.
Sour Beers
Ah, the sour beer. The Willy Wonka of the craft beer world. You liked Warheads and you probably peaked in high school. Brightly coloured cans, fruity, sour, and a gateway to drinking in the park, these beers scream ‘please like me’ and have a ‘I just threw up’ aftertaste and a pun name like Fanta Sea. I’m so glad you enjoy these beers, please don’t ask me to taste it, I will just make taste connections that will ruin your buzz.
The Cocktail Special
You have no idea who you are, do you? There’s an implicit trust here (the opposite of the Old Fashioned order) that is very endearing, because who knows what you’re going to get and it’s going to cost you north of 25$. The person who orders the cocktail special also allows Spotify to choose the music, Netflix to pick the movies and finds it impossible to decide on dinner. The sweet friend who says, ‘don’t mind’ and truly means it. Definitely a Libra. I’ve done this, I’ve drunk a vegemite martini, a dill pickle margarita and a sake spritz. It can be fun. You’re probably fun too because you’ll go along with any crazy plan the tequila drinker dreams up.
