This Month’s Do’s And Don’t’s To Be Less Shit At Going Out

Last month, I told a story about how I went and saw my friend’s band play in Manhattan, New York.

I took some mushrooms and had some beers. It was good. I was among friends. I was happy. I pushed my way up to the front to be with people I love and dance to songs that I knew well. Arriving wedged at the front, I began to move and shake, and this infuriated the people around me. I was screamed at by a guy in a red beanie who was holding his girlfriend from behind, standing perfectly still, completely unaffected by the music. A moment later, I was hit in the chest by a different very large man who was also standing perfectly still, staring at my friends’ band on stage. Apparently dancing is no longer allowed at rock and roll concerts.

Last night, I went to a pub that my friend bartends at. It was slammed. Bursting at the seams. I ordered a beer and a shot because those are quick and easy drinks for a busy bartender to produce and I am not an asshole. The girl next to me ordered a margarita, a spicy margarita, an espresso martini, two beers with tequila, a beer with whiskey, and a martini ‘extra filthy’, because she and her friends are assholes.

It appears to me that there is very little understanding of nightlife etiquette these days. No reverence for the nature of the club, the show, the bar, the mingle, the hook up, the dance floor, the romp. I and my colleagues have concluded that this is because of a generation of kids who came of age during the Covid era and therefore have no idea how to handle their alcohol, a person pushing in next to them, or how to exist in a fun space at night. I don’t believe that this is their fault. They can’t be held responsible for a global pandemic. They are merely a symptom of the disease. An after effect. They are long Covid.

Though I am understanding, and though the bruise on my chest has healed, I am still very fucked off, and this is my crusade to end the tyranny of social ignorance. Here, then, are five of Naz’s do’s and don’t’s for being less of a piece of shit when out at night.

1. DO pace yourself.

Walking into a bar and slamming four shots of tequila and walking out is a baller ass move. That’s sick. Walking into a bar and slamming four shots of tequila and then hanging around annoying everyone with your drunken loneliness; your yelled, ‘did you see that?! Wasn’t that fucking baller?’ is not a baller ass move. Strange how nightlife centers around alcohol and yet nobody wants to be surrounded by people who are hammered. If you’re going to be out, especially on your own, pace yourself. Two drinks or one beer shot combo an hour will do you just fine to keep you drunk but just shy of vomiting in a girl’s hair. If you’ve gone overboard, acknowledge your error and for the sake of everyone there, hop in a car home. You don’t want to be the embarrassing friend, so take it slow and steady.

2. DO accept rejection with grace.

Maybe you were stopped at an entrance by a doorman, maybe you’re asking a man to come home with you and he says no, or maybe you’ve been cut off by the bartender. Whatever the rejection may be, take it in stride and with grace. There is no need to make a scene, and speaking from experience, as a man who has tended bar, worked a door, and told people no to a hook up, a big scene only creates a more fuck of a no. Your pride is hurt, but that’s all, nothing more. Not the worst case scenario. Make a joke out of it. Fuck em. To misquote some comedian resembling Hitler from the 1920’s, you wouldn’t want to belong to a club that would let someone like you in.

3. DON’T use your phone flash on the dance floor.

This rule is null if you are searching for something that you dropped on the floor or helping someone to tie their shoes. These are acceptable reasons, but only barely, and only because of society’s obsession with material possessions and safety. If you are dancing with your friends - or worse, a stranger - and pull your phone out to take a silly Instagram story video of your fun and crazy night in the big city and you record someone with the flash on, you are the worst person on the fucking planet and I know quite a few venues and clubs who will eject you for it. It’s disrespectful, a vibe killer, but more than anything, it’s just quite corny. And for what? So your mom can heart it? Fuck off.

4. DON’T wait in line.

This is a personal point that many of my peers disagree with, and I’d like to first point out that I do not mean ever. There are obviously instances where you will have to and should in all fairness wait in line. For the toilets, for entry into a ticketed venue, for the hot dog cart outside, to order at a bar, and so on and so forth. What I mean when I advise against waiting in line is that I don’t think that anyone should wait to get into a normal bar or club on a normal night. If there isn’t something special going on in there that you’re dying to see, don’t stand in line hoping to get let in, because fuck that place, there are other places, and you standing in line only further perpetuates the idea that hype and clout is a valuable component of nightlife. Exclusivity is the antithesis of the spirit of ‘going out’. Just because there’s a line doesn’t mean a place is good, let alone better than the empty place next door, and if you’re waiting in line for the cool place, you don’t want the experience within, you are wanting the social credit that comes with entry. I understand the need for safety and vibe curation and hence a doorman and a process for entry, but if you’re at Berghain(?) in Berlin wearing some leather and the door person rejects you based on looks, that is bullshit. It shouldn’t matter who you know, what you wear, or how hot you are - it’s about dancing, music, joy, and fun. It is for this reason that I am adamantly in favor of The Hacienda and adamantly against Studio 54. Thanks for hearing me out.

5. DO talk to strangers.

There’s something to be said for going out to a club alone. It may be scarier, but it’ll make you more inclined to make friends, or even enemies for that matter. You’ll have no choice but to engage with the community that you are there to be a part of. Talk to the people around you at the bar, on the dance floor, in line for the toilet. Maybe you’ll hate them, maybe you’ll fuck them - all are right answers and all make for a better general experience. If you are too in the hole to go to a new place alone, I get that. Bring a friend, but maybe just the one, because if you bring six friends, you’ll only speak to those six friends, and no one will want to try to break into your group from the outside. Don’t dance all of you in a circle, spread out and face different directions. Be a part of the greater scene, not just the beloved ones in front of you. They’ll be there to fall back on, venture out.