Have You Had A Shitty Winter? Take The Quiz

Winter is the worst season and for anyone that says otherwise obviously doesn’t have friends, fun or a valid opinion.

This winter just gone seemed to have dragged on and on and on and on and only now as the sun is returning do I feel somewhat of a normal level happiness. A zest for life again some would say. Do you feel the same? I will say that I think I hate winter more than most people which mostly boils down to the fact that I am from Queensland, and the middle of it at that, so my detest for anything below twenty degrees runs deeper than most. But also, who the fuck actually likes being cold? If it is not snowing, it is difficult for me to comprehend what is positive about it? I simply cannot be alone in this. Here is a checklist of Yes/No questions by which you may calculate and predict if you had an equally shitty winter. 

1. Did your appetite for potatoes increase exponentially? 

2. Did you lose your house key? 

3. Did you have to jump start your car? 

4. Did you forgo driving because fuel was just too expensive? 

5. Did you buy a new jumper only to find out it was too tight on your hips? 

6. Did you have to wear socks inside of ugg boots? 

7. Did you watch a heat pack rotate in a microwave for three minutes and wonder if there was something more useful to do than simply watch that thing go round and round and round but still continue to watch that thing go round and round? 

8. Did you go on a date with someone for them to have three plates and four cocktails and you only one plate and a beer but then you had to pay for it? 

9. Did you find yourself watching reels of Sabrina Carpenter’s outros? 

10. Are the marshmallows you bought to roast on the fire still in your cupboard?

11. Did you eat three blocks of chocolate in one week? 

12. Did any festival that you’ve ever wanted to attend get cancelled? 

13. Did you wear pants? 

14. Did you look for someone in your stories? 

15. Did you read ‘A Little Life?’

16. Have you developed a long sustained cough? 

17. Have you looked down at your stomach and thought to yourself ‘that was not there in summer?’ 

18. Did you drop your coffee on the ground?

19. Did you spill your coffee on your shirt?

20. Did you think about how coffee was the only small joy in the cold, dark, dreary winter?

21. Did you, at any point, lose your will to live? 

22. Did you buy a cucumber and make that viral cucumber salad? 

23. Did you throw your phone against the wall after the 1168th European summer photo was uploaded by that one friend who definitely couldn’t afford to be in Greece but she’s in Greece right now and it made you wonder how in the fuck she’s in Greece and not you? 

24. Did you contemplate onlyfans to afford Greece? 

25. Did you attempt Dry July only to realise abstaining is just about the stupidest fucking idea you’ve ever had? 

26. Did you look at yourself in a photo and physically say the words jesus christ out loud? 

27. Did you contemplate a fringe? 

28. Did you tell someone to fuck off? 

29. Did someone tell you to fuck off? 

30. Did you vow this winter would be your most stylish one to find yourself wearing the same two pairs of pants and denim jacket the whole time? 

31. Have you still not replaced your busted up converse even though your toes are falling out the sides? 

32. Did wonder if you’ve ever be able to breathe properly again after developing a head cold?

33. Did you watch ‘Challengers’ and still not understand what the fuck was going on? 

34. Did your team lose? 

35. Did you start swimming/running/ footballing after the Olympics and realise you are a poor excuse for a fit human let alone an athlete? 

36. Have you developed arthritis? 

37. Did you forget what the sun felt like?

38. Did you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark? 

39. Did you download a dating app in the hope that this time would produce any different of a result than the last 456 times? 

40. Have you substituted one vice that is slightly harder instead of another just to get through it? Smoking instead of vaping? Beer instead of vodka lime sodas? Heroin?

Now add up your Yes’s and compare the results with the chart below.

31- 40. Congratulations. You’ve had the shittest winter possible. In fact it was so shit that you’re actually probably dead. Is that you down there in a grave? Hello? At least it’s warmer down there. Summer is coming darling don’t worry I love you. 

21- 30. Look you gave it your best and you still ended up 5-10 kilos heavier, more dependent on alcohol than you’ve ever been and there is still that weird throat thing going on that you’ve had since May. There is a small, unhinged part of you that enjoyed having to layer in animals feathers to keep warm but I’m not here to judge, I would still probably have a beer with you if was sunny out. 

11- 20. You’re a borderline freak but there have been parts of this winter-hating struggle that you relate to in the sense that I relate to albatrosses. I don’t. Half enjoying a season like winter just tells me you have no sense of self but I suppose the half glass empty/ full theory comes into play here, so play on I guess. 

1-10. This is confirming you don’t have any friends, fun or a valid opinion. You do not possess a soul because you are simply made from ice. Goodbye.