ARE DOLPHINS YOUR SURF FRIENDS OR ARE THEY EVIL DICKS?
By A. Concerned Citizen (or I’m a lawyer, I guess?)
Your Honor, may it please the court, verily I would like to submit evidentiary proof—the most damning kind!—that dolphins are not our kindly fun-loving oceanic friends, nor are they merely the delicious garnish of our canned tunas, but rather, Your Honor, they are vicious dicks, hellbent on ruining our fun in the sun in the sea.
Experts say that although they’re smart and sometimes nice and look great in mystical thousand-piece puzzles (and amusement parks), in actuality, they’re literally wild, carnivorous animals with complex social systems—and sometimes they want you to fuck the fuck off. By the time I leave for my lunch break, you too will be satisfied that not only are dolphins not your friends, but they’re kinda big jerks too.
“‘It put a hole in my board, and you can see where it scraped its nose along it.’”
DOLPHIN BREAKS HUMAN ARM, 2013
Exhibit: A. Location: Margaret River, Australia. Time: Some time, July 2013. Victim: Troy Robinson, a local surfer and very nice person (probably). What happened? Well, if you can believe it, and you can, a group of 30-odd dolphins surrounded the surfer, and then things got choppy. ‘I dived under and it was like a torpedo hit me,’ he said. ‘It put a hole in my board, and you can see where it scraped its nose along it.’ One of his arm bones was snapped in twain, and he had to paddle to shore with one hand. Mr Dolphins, you, sirs, are assholes. Source: watoday.com.au
DOLPHIN BODY SLAMS BOY, 2016
Yes, my friends, you read that right. Well, not if you read it as ‘the carcass of a dolphin slammed into a boy.’ If you read it as that, you read it wrong. Here’s what happened: In September 2016, a very innocent, very sweet young person aged 13 named Jed was innocently surfing about innocently, with wide cherubic eyes and cheeks not yet sagging under the weight of the world’s (mostly dolphin-caused) miseries, when out of nowhere a guilty—very guilty, in fact—dolphin with madness in its eyes came shooting out of nowhere and fully just body-slammed the little sprouter, who’d never done anything wrong to anyone ever. We have it on video and you’re going to jail (Sea World), you evil dolphin bastard! Source: stuff.co.nz
“‘Big Dolphin’ at work again.”
DOLPHIN PROBABLY BREAKS RIBS, 2014
Another one? Yes, another brutal attack by a dolphin, those demons of the sea. In March of 2014, a Manly bodyboarder was just doing his Manly thing (paddling off Bawley Point) when the unthinkable happened. A dolphin smashed into his side like a speeding bullet, tearing his wetsuit completely off him (we assume) and leaving him grievously injured and completely nude (I’m filling in some blanks here), his enormous penis lolling about in the ocean like a very, very large buoyant sea cucumber (we said he was ‘manly’). Okay, so the nudity thing may not be true, and the article makes no mention of his enormous appendage being ripped off, but what we do know (potentially) is that the dude was suspected of having some broken ribs at the time of the article being published—we’ll never know if they turned out to be broken or not because there was no follow-up article… ‘Big Dolphin’ at work again. Source: dailytelegraph.com.au
DOLPHINS ATTACK PADDLE-BOARDERS, 2015
In 2015 two people whose names we did not copy-and-paste were gaily doing that weird thing where you stand on a board and move using a paddle (the worst of both worlds!) when dolphins attacked. They even caught it on video, thankfully, so that the world may know that dolphins need to be cancelled. Eat all the tuna you want, people—this is war!! Source: surfer.com
“‘People have this image of dolphins as cute creatures... they have sharp teeth.’ ”
DOLPHINS BITE PEOPLE, 2022
How many times have you been in the ocean, just faffing about, having a nice time, when you’ve felt a nip at your ankles by a six-foot grey wiener with a beak? We’ve all been there, but none more so than the fashion-forward citizens of Japan, Pacific Ocean. On August 11, 2022—not even a year ago—two people were injured by dolphins and taken to hospital. The men, both just living life in their frisky 40s, were bitten on their sweet fleshy arms by those slippery sentient dildos we call dolphins. Apparently, it wasn’t the first time, with similar bite-y attacks happening in the area earlier in the year. According to Newsweek, Tetsuya Matsuoka, manager of the Notojima Aquarium in the nearby town of Nanao, had this to say: ‘People have this image of dolphins as cute creatures, but they are wild animals after all … You should not go near them or touch them because they have sharp teeth.’ Aha! Smoking gun. I rest my case, Your Honor. But first, two more things. Source: newsweek.com
“Who invented paddle-boarding? What even is it?”
DOLPHIN RIGHTLY ATTACKS PADDLE BOARDER, 2018
Look, I didn’t want to say anything earlier but… you can’t reeeeally blame a dolphin for being weirded out by a paddle boarder. Who invented paddle-boarding? What even is it? Is it a sport? Is it a very slow and inefficient form of transportation? Are you trying to maximise your likelihood of sunburn by keeping your entire body out of the water? Do you hate the life-affirming feel of the water on your skin? What kind of sicko are you?! One dolphin had had enough, and they decided to do something about it. We ask that this be stricken from the record because FAIR. Source: washingtonpost.com
DOLPHINS KILL THEIR OWN BABIES, 2002
In conclusion, Your Honor, DOLPHINS KILL THEIR OWN BABIES. Look it up! Source: pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
P.s. We know orcas are dolphins, but we’re not opening that can of lentils.
