What To Get The Skate Homie For The Holidays
It is December once again and unfortunately, you have to shop for The Homie.
Who is the homie? The homie is any anonymous friend or pal that you almost exclusively skate with or who is apart of what you and your skatepark locals refer to as a ‘crew’. The homie is semi-good at skating, but not as good as they ought to be for how long you’ve been skating together. Definitely not sponsored, but can back tail for sure. Not on lock, but for sure. The homie is usually between the ages of fifteen and thirty five. The homie is usually wearing a dark-colored hoodie and is fighting a nicotine addiction. The homie is on Hinge but doesn’t get many matches, and when they do, it’s date night at a dive bar wearing size 40 Dickies with holes on the bottom. The homie is a really good person but simply doesn’t have it together. The homie will show up to your wedding but feel very uncomfortable about the emotional openness being expressed. The homie has been planning a skate trip to Barcelona for three years that will never happen.
While the obvious answer for what to get a skateboarder is a skateboard and skateboard parts, we have chosen to go for the unique. The homie is the good homie, and you need to get something for them that will actually benefit them. We are here to help.
If there’s one thing skaters like, it’s to post up. But all too often, the post up vibe is lacking because some dude is doing a shit job at rolling something while playing his garbage beats off of his cracked iPhone 5S. Fuck that guy, I hope his spliff blows away in the winter breeze. Get your homie something to cancel that mf out, like the convenient and classy JBL Clip 5. The clip is key as it can be attached to a bike frame, a backpack strap, and while it is loud for its size - loud enough to piss on that one dude - it is not loud enough to ruin everyone else’ day or to blow up the spot.
Depending on your age and geography, the homie is very likely a chef of some kind, or at the very least, he works in a kitchen. Maybe he’s the oldest person on staff at the Dominos, maybe he’s cutting onions in the back of that restaurant in the West Village where EmRata eats and gets her photo taken every Wednesday night like a stalker trap. Either way, he is wearing a smock, so why not make it a good one? One that, at best, confuses the rest of the staff, but reminds him that he has a life outside of this wretched stainless steel place. Give him a glance of style and a dash of self-respect with the Pass~Port Spa House Apron.
Socks and Underwear
This isn’t a joke. I fly through this shit. Everyone I skate with flies through this shit. Have you ever seen a skater’s socks? They’re fucked. Have you ever seen a skater’s underwear? Of course you have, they make it a point to show you, as though their worth is measured by their ability to buy brand name underwear. But what you don’t see is that beneath the waist band, it is a tattered and stained mess. Get that fool some heavy duty socks and some boxers and tell him to grow the fuck up.
It is unlikely that your homie is the type whose lifestyle affords the ability to go away for the weekend - that is a manner of existence which is not afforded your local Domino’s employee of the month March 2019. However, it is likely that that fool goes to and from your local Buffalo Exchange or Plato’s Closet or whatever in order to exchange his broken-in Dickies for money. He’s been making this excursion with a series of trash bags, so let’s get him something that says he has some self worth, like the very stylish, high-quality Former Weekend tote bag, big enough to fit every bit of Dickies and Carhartt and torn up Hardbody T he can slang. And who knows? Maybe he will have to go to a wedding upstate or in Ventura or Byron and this bag will actually be used to travel with (but it’ll be full of Lynx and a suit that’s too big and a passport because he isn’t sure if Byron is or isn’t technically a part of Australia).
A Job
The homie can’t work at Domino’s or influencer wine bars forever, let’s get him an Indeed.com subscription. Make him a LinkdIn or something, I don’t know. Homie is struggling.
If all goes well, he will have clean underwear, new socks, and a job interview, which means the homie needs a shower. Get them in the suds while respecting and maintaining their self-image with a bar of Dime Classic Soap. It smells of organic palm, coconut, and olive, and I’m told is what Tiago smells like. Even better: it’s Canadian! So you know it’s good. They’re clean folk, up there.
Alright, the homie didn’t get the job. That’s okay. Lift their spirits with a bit of wholesome skateboarding-related fun! Gather round the fire and dig into the Polar Puzzle! This thousand-piece puzzle image is very difficult, so the homie will be occupied for at least a couple of days, and will get a bit of an uplift upon completion. Sometimes we all need a small victory, let Polar provide that to you.