Watched Adolescence And Thought It Was Fucked? Here’s How You Can Help With That
By now you should have watched the new series Adolescence, and if you haven’t then get yourself a Netflix log in from your ex girlfriend’s mate and bring yourself up to speed.
Adolescence is a miniseries that tells the story of a 13-year-old boy named Jamie Miller, who murders his female classmate. It is not a whodunnit story, you find out very quickly that Jamie has done it, but rather a whydunnit? Throughout the four episodes, we try to uncover what would drive a kid who comes from a loving home to kill another. While there are many discussions surrounding the influence and combination of parenting, schooling and bullying as the motive for Jamie’s actions, it should be obvious that toxic masculinity which is then further exacerbated online, is the driving cause. Before this show I had no idea what incel culture or the so-called 'manosphere' was. The emojis used as a form of online bullying were completely lost on me and yet the underlying sexism issues, I understood and are very familiar with as a female. While Adolescence is a drama series, this is the reality of how far misogyny, toxic masculinity and social media can and do go. Daily. Ask literally any female, myself included. Each factor plays a part and there is certainly no quick fix to these interconnected issues, but dismantling toxic masculinity begins with individuals, at home and around friends. Here are four simple, instantly applicable ways you can dismantle toxic masculinity and create a safer space for people today.
Express those unwanted, uncomfortable feelings in healthy ways
A big problem people have with expressing emotions is not really having a concrete grasp on what they are feeling. Might I suggest writing whatever comes to your mind at the end of each day? Doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else but you. Just a couple dot points on how you’re feeling. Do it in your notes app if you have to. Go into the forest and talk to the wind. Find a paddock with some sheep and have a yarn for them. Literally any way to get whatever feelings you’re feeling out so that big brain of yours can start to process it. Better yet, talk to your mates! Call Lifeline. Employ the help of professionals. The ‘toughness’ you actually want is called mental fortitude, which is the ability to remain strong and resilient in the face of adversity or pressure. It is a wonderful trait to have and communicating your emotions instead of suppressing them helps you gain it.
Equally as important: Ask people how their day was and encourage them to vent
Dad being extra gruff? Best mate getting agitated a little quicker than usual? Be the person that asks how someone is going regularly and become the space for your loved ones to let you know how they are really going. If being considered the kind of person your mates would call when they need help is something that resonates with you, then consider this the most helpful thing you can be doing for your friends, family and society as a whole. It begins with you and those closest to you.
That slightly offensive thing you want to say or comment: Don’t
This one seems straight forward but it only takes 1.32 seconds looking at Instagram comments to see we still can’t even get this one right. Yes, we all have idiotic and inappropriate thoughts about other people at times. That does not make you an evil person, it makes you a person. The difference is simply not letting that thought out into the world so that it dies a natural death and is not given the oxygen to hurt other people. By simply not commenting or saying the off kilter thoughts you are not participating in toxic masculinity. I repeat, you are no longer contributing to the problem if you simply shut up sometimes. This is different from having an opinion and disagreeing with someone by the way. You can certainly have your own views, but if what you are saying to someone is something you wouldn’t want anyone to say to your daughter or sister, then just don’t say it.
Not only is shutting up sometimes the most effective thing someone can do personally, but it has a positive role for the kids. We all know the younger generation is inherently online which means they are seeing you comment your eggplant emojis on model’s instagram thinking that is an appropriate way to interact with women. Yes the young kids have grown up differently to you but they’re the same in the sense that they still look up to and idolise adults. Be the example.
Boys, get a manicure
You know that problem some men have with expressing their vulnerabilities? That problem society has with enforcing gender roles that manifests as toxic masculinity? Well here’s an exercise you can do that pushes against those very things in a really nice way. Get a manicure. Sure, it might feel a little weird the first time, but all you have to do is remind yourself that no one actually gives a shit if your fingernails are looking fabulous (or at least no one worth being around). This flexes that vulnerability muscle and might even start up a conversation with someone that comments on it. While you’re at it, why not put some headphones in and chuck on this banger by IDLES. There’s a good verse at the end from a Margaret Atwood novel.
Men are scared women will laugh in their face. Women are scared that it's their lives men will take.
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Men are scared women will laugh in their face. Women are scared that it's their lives men will take. 〰️
Gender-based violence and discrimination is something that happens in every country, every race, every tax bracket and every age.