Whenever anyone asks me what this job is like, and if it is hard, I say the same thing: of course it is.

People get to spend their time at the beach while I’m stuck in an office writing about them for you. “Write for me,” you cry. "Irreverently look sideways at the world of surfing and write about four paragraphs more than you really need to about something." Do you know how hard it is to write 2,000-to-3,000 semi-interesting words past deadline? Almost impossible. And then I go on to Instagram and you call me “stupid” or “stupid and wrong” because I said something faintly belittling about your home wave in editorial passing. I do this for you, and I’ll tell you this as I put both of my hands on your shoulders, pull you in close, and also tell you that we not only deserve footballers wages, but also should have our own designated moment of recognition at all cultural and sporting events where we get to stand up while everyone else claps. Don’t believe me? Well, I included a running timeline of the last contest I worked below. You can read on to take a peek behind the curtain into how this whole things works and see if it’s for the every man, the common man, or, most importantly, as always, you.

THURSDAY

3:00 PM AEST — Arrive at contest site.

3:07 — Pay $10 for parking.

3:08 — Park, stiffen mouth, wrinkle nose, and then frown while realising half the lot is for staff and you’re staff.

3:09 — Walk back to parking attendant and ask for a refund because you honestly could use that $10 and show your name on the staff list on an email and everything else. Don’t get money back.

3:20 — Walk the beach and look at the surf but mostly just scroll Instagram.

3:25 — Go to media check-in booth and get given, somehow, eight different wristbands all in varying colours.

3:45 — Drive back to AirBNB.

5:30 — Pub dinner with other designer and filmer you’re staying with.

8:00 - 11:00 — Read ten pages of book you brought, put it down on nightstand, and continue The Sopranos rewatch on laptop while scrolling Instagram. 

FRIDAY

7:00 AM — Wake up. 

7:03 — Check phone, see notification that contest is on in an hour, ugh.

7:04 - 7:30 — Do that thing where you’re awake but still in bed and looking at your phone, in this order: Twitter, Instagram, Twitter, email, Instagram. Head barely off the pillow and eyes straining to look at a portable backlit sun that’s still hooked like an anchor into the wall socket. Alarm pop-up blooping into view every four minutes because you keep hitting snooze.

7:35 —  Mentally sort out breakfast.

7:36 — Skull half a pot of black coffee and a slice of untoasted wheat bread with peanut butter smeared on the top of it.

7:40 — Walk to contest site while figuring out what you will write about. 

7:45 — Check email, nothing from editor. Nice.

8:10 - 11:00 — Watch the world’s best surfers surf the most regular, shoulder-high day.

11:00 - 12:30 PM — Scroll through Instagram and browse the internet on laptop in the media tent after declining an offer for an Acai bowl.

1:00 — Meet friends at surf club for lunch.

1:10 — First beer of the day.

1:25 — Second beer of the day.

2:30 — Back to contest site. 

2:35 - 4:00 — Read favourite sports recaps from The Guardian dot com and try to figure out who to implement their style and approach into surfboarding jernalizm.

4:00 — Feeling antsy. Put headphones on and listen to Radiomeuh to relax while highlighting quotes from The Guardian that you can rework and recycle into your recap. 

4:29 — Save everything on an unedited, unorganised 5000-word Text Edit document. 

4:30 — Text from designer saying The Corona Deck ™ is Open. 

4:40 — Kelly Slater devastates local wildcard’s perception of self-worth after beating them in a heat by only doing exactly six turns and a single air. Contest over for the day.

4:42 — email from editor, subject reads “recap?” do not open.

5:00 — Hit The Corona Deck ™  

5:05 — Beer three.

5:06 - 7:00 — Location: The Corona Deck ™.

7:20 — Burger and beer at surf club with friends.

8:35 — Walk to local bar for some free surfer’s movie premiere and party. 

9:50 – 11:00 – Pal around with local QSers and free surfers at the bar. Knock any intrusive thoughts of checking your phone or email down by telling yourself that you’re grabbing interviews (you’re not but you’re talking to people so that counts) and staying familiar with the people you came here to write about. Not a single person surfing in the contest tomorrow makes an appearance. 

11:20 – Get back to AirBNB

11:23 - 11:59 – Listen to Radiomeuh to calm yourself down and get in a writing groove. 

SATURDAY

12:16 AM – Upload 1500 lightly-edited words of contest recap. Notice most of it is just summations of different conversations you had with people throughout the day with heat results copy and pasted on the bottom. Get scared. Quit and close all email apps.

12:17 – Slide right thumb to upper right-hand corner of iPhone, slide it down, and hit “Do Not Disturb.” 

12:18 – Fire up season 3, episode 9 of The Sopranos.

6:45 – Wake up

6:50 – Notice text from editor. Ignore it. 

7:05 – Make coffee while listening to Dodgy radio. Notice you’re a bit sweaty and feel rough despite sleeping with the AC on all night. Consider some inexplicable but terribly attractive visions of what life would be like not doing this and living somewhere in London where you don’t actually know anyone but you think it could be nice while Oasis’ “Bonehead’s Bank Holiday” (1995) statically plays out of the Bluetooth speaker.  

8:10 – Walk outside with coffee. Sun hits face. All those thoughts you were bothered with and made you feel very nervous are suddenly gone now.

8:11 – Walk to contest site while scrolling Instagram and not checking any texts or emails.  

8:15 – Receive notification that contest is off for the day. Nice.

8:35 – Stand on beach, close eyes for a second, feel sand between toes, and actually open editor’s text with all the air of a WWII soldier in The Pacific standing on the flight deck of an aircraft carrier as a fleet of Zeros becomes visible on the horizon. 

8:36 – Text from editor was just a screenshot of the recap article saying, “nice.” Start scrolling through Instagram.

8:45 – Walk too far to get coffee while listening to Oasis again.

9:30 – 11:30 – Watch The Sopranos back at the AirBNB while writing and mostly scrolling Instagram.

11:32 – Receive text from designer saying their joining our filmer and a group of QSers at a beach with waves two hours out of the way.

11:40 – Pull hair, rub temples, and groan after realising you’re the only one with a car. 

11:50 – 2:00 PM – Drive to beach and force designer and filmer to listen to Radiomeuh the whole way. Tell them It’s Really Good, Actually. Get McDonald’s lunch on the way. 

2:15 – Park and get to beach.

2:20 – Meet up with QSers and start filming.

2:45 – Grab one of their boards and go on first and only surf of whole trip.

3:10 – Back in from surfing.

4:00 – Leave beach, say goodbye to QSers and thank them for all the help in what was the most productive part of the entire weekend, tell them we’ll meet at The Corona Deck™ later, start drive back.

4:35 – Intrusive thought in brain to write a funny, much more accurate, and original recap for the day. Consider titling it Bonehead’s Bank Holiday.

4:50 – Thought becomes inspiration. Tighten lips, squint eyes, look to some middle distance to the upper right, and decide, actually: no.

6:00 – Oh shit editor is at the AirBNB. 

6:15 – Roll back sleeves, start typing day’s recap, and try not to radiate the energy of someone who thinks they’re going to get fired. 

6:45 – All done but the ending.

6:46 – First beer while working.

6:55 – Make title Bonehead’s Bank Holiday even though there isn’t any mention of the relation in the intro because there is none. Scrap together a three-sentence conclusion. File and upload. 

7:00 – Walk to The Corona Deck ™ 

7:20 – 9:00 – The Corona Deck ™ 

9:15 – Street gyro and fries with guys from filming earlier.

9:30 – Walk to bar from night before.

9:42 – Oh shit editor is at the bar.

9:50 – Editor buys me a drink and says he really enjoyed the write up from today. 

10:30 – Regain partial consciousness.

11:00 – Beer…eight? Ha hah don’t mind if I do… 

SUNDAY

1:15 AM – Leave bar.

1:40 – Scroll Instagram and post on seven different personal and professional social accounts that you forget to do earlier while completely shitfaced.

1:45 – Turn on The Sopranos.

1:47 – Fall asleep as The Sopranos plays on laptop.

7:00 – Hit snooze on alarm.

8:45 – Wake up.

9:15 – Come downstairs at AirBNB and see editor, filmer, and designer watching contest finals day on TV.

9:17 – Editor says Oh I Thought You Were Already Down There.

9:20 – Panic

9:25 – Run to contest site.

9:35 – Scarf down Acai bowl in media tent. 

10:00 – 2:00 PM – Stand on beach with headphones on listening to Radiomeuh.

2:05 PM – See QSer from beach day yesterday there, say hi, and use his quote for the upcoming recap. 

3:00 – Contest over.

3:01 – Look up in the sky, say thank you to no one in particular, and then look at ground and say icantkeepgoingonlikethis quietly to yourself.

3:30 – Meet designer at now-desolate surf club for last meal.

3:32 – First water.

3:50 – File finals day recap on and notice all the bylines on the first page of the site are yours.

3:55 – Put meeting on calendar with junior writer for Tuesday.

3:56 – Cancel meeting.

4:00 – 8:00 — Drive home.