If you are the kind of person who would be reading about music on Monster Children, it is likely that you’ve spent a lot of time going to concerts, steeping yourself in the thick, hot, violent air of a dance pit at the front of the stage.

It is an uncomfortable, unnatural, joyous place to exist. As fun as it may be, when that joy and discomfort become simply too much to bear, it is necessary to seek an escape. Where do you go? Out? Fuck going out and losing your proximity to the stage. Not worth battling through a bunch of grumpy ‘fans’ with their shoulders crossed. The better strategy? Go up. Crowd surfing is done often, but hardly ever very well. There’s always some idiot kicking their way across the dancefloor because they aren’t aware enough to care whose face their new Doc’s have gone into. Likewise, there’s always some idiot leaping onto people without permission or warning and that idiot is immediately dropped because why would anyone catch them, let alone carry them? I am a firm believer that there is a way to do everything, and that includes crowd surfing. So for the sake of myself and the safety of others, I will share that way with you now.

‘Me go up?’

Getting someone’s attention, and mouthing ‘up?’ as you point at yourself and then to the sky is the cleanest method through which one may take flight. It is a bit formal, a bit less romantic, but the only people who think that barging onto peoples bodies without their acknowledgement is romantically Rock n Roll are people who have only ever seen mosh pits and crowd surfers on School Of Rock. They shouldn’t be there anyway. For best bet, the point and mouth is the way to go. 

*An exception to this rule: people who go to hardcore shows where it is customary to stage dive and body slam. By getting into the pit, you’re sort of consenting to that.

No Kicking

Don’t fucking kick, man? Why are you doing that? Why is that a good idea? If you’re up above people, don’t kick the people who are supporting you. Be generally aware of what your body is doing and where you are going and try to keep fluid, but a bit still. No quick movements of the limbs. I theorize that people who kick while crowd surfing have never in fact crowd surfed, and are overcome with the realization that there isn’t much to do once you’re up there. For you, the dancing is done. You kind of just are there. I’ve done it a lot, but it’s a bit of a boring thing in reality. Not very glamorous, more of a break. 

Secure Your Possessions

If you go to a big music festival, you’ll see people with zip up pockets on their shorts heading into the pit. They have been through some shit and are aware of the liability that they face upon entering - the liability for loss of phones, wallets, glasses, cameras, shoes, etc. This liability increases when you are horizontal and several feet off of the ground. If you’re feeling the temptation come on and you (like most) can’t afford new credit cards and a new phone, I recommend zipping your wallet, putting your phone in your sock, wrapping your camera around your shoulder, and double knotting your shoe laces. The thing I love most about a big messy dance pit is that the people around you are acting feverishly- aggressively even, but they care about each other and they care about you. If you do lose something, between songs, people will lift that item into the air, presenting the opportunity for the owner to claim it. However, your phone will likely be stomped out by then, so best to just plan ahead and secure yourself before. 

Lifting Your Mate Up

At a festival in England last year I saw Shame play which was fucking wonderful and in the pit, I saw a guy try to lift up his friend but his form was awful. He was all back and no legs on the lift. He strained so hard, barely even got off the ground. Just lifted his friend high enough to have it hurt when they both went tumbling over. Pathetic. What you want to do (in really, any situation) is bend down, wrap your arms completely around your friend's legs at right about where the thigh meets the knees, and lift with your legs. This way, you’re not straining your back, your center of gravity is centered on you, and he can sit on your shoulder for added stability. When releasing your friend for the crowd surf, you do not want to toss. DO NOT TOSS YOUR FRIENDS INTO CROWDS OF PEOPLE. You also don’t want to just drop and let go of your friend. DO NOT DROP YOUR FRIENDS INTO CROWDS OF PEOPLE. Instead, support them until an appropriate amount of hands have taken up the cause with you and you may slowly shit your support to their legs, allowing them to glide off like a little baby bird.

Dealing With Security

Boy oh boy, is crowd surfing dangerous. Bands love it. Crowds love it. Venues hate it because the insurance liability on their end is massively high if you get dropped and break your neck (a realistic possibility, to be fair). When security sees a crowd surfer go up, they immediately try to yank their legs and get the surfer down. I’ve seen that yanking actually cause people to fall, so really, what are they preventing? Anyway, at most venues, they will yank you to the barrier and then release you back into the pond like a sportfisherman. However, if it’s a particularly corporate venue (think Madison Square Garden), they’ll probably boot you out, or at worst, try to ban you for life. When this happens, there isn’t much to be done but say, ‘I wasn’t crowd surfing’ and when they say, ‘yes you were, we just yanked you over.’ Then you say, ‘prove it.’ Then they say, ‘let me see your ID,’ then you say, ‘I lost it in the pit, that happens a lot, you know. I should have secured my ID in my sock like I was advised to do.’ Really, though, just be aware that what you’re doing is universally condemned by every venue, and be ready to deal with those consequences.

Getting Down

If you aren’t yanked by security, you’ll have to come down eventually. You aren’t a beach ball with unlimited capacity to be bounced around the tops of people. At some point - whether it be when the crowd decides or when the music stops - you will come down, so try to be in control of that descent. First, signal to those around you that you want to come down, and they’ll usually just be like, ‘ok.’ and put you down. If that isn’t easily communicated, start putting your legs down. Let them droop down and go limp so that the soles of your feet are to the ground. DO NOT KICK. This motion will likely signal the rest of the people supporting you that you are coming down, and no one wants to be the last person supporting your entire body weight. It’s hard to nail a graceful landing, but at least angling your feet down gently will increase the likelihood that you’ll land on your feet. DO. NOT. KICK.

Do Not Touch Things That Ought Not To Be. DO NOT TOUCH THINGS THAT OUGHT NOT TO BE.

Another things I love about the stinking fog of a pit: if you’re a cunt, they will treat you like one. If you touch someone in a way that they don’t want to be touched, you will have your head split open, and because of the crowded aggression, no one will be blamed. Could have been anyone, and even if they do find the person(s) who fucked you up, they were only dancing. Do not touch, do not grope, do not seize what you believe to be an opportunity to cop feels on anyone. Sometimes it is unavoidable to prevent a person coming down on top of you, but supporting someone in earnest is different from grabbing and squeezing them. Shouldn’t need to be said, and it might not need to be because if you break this rule, you will immediately feel how badly you blew it.