interview by crombie. above portrait of alex by jonathan mehring.

This is the second time I’ve interviewed Alex Olson.

The first time we spoke I asked him about growing up in the ’Bu and whether or not his dad got crabs from Sherilyn Fenn. It was an excellent session and we made a few important breakthroughs, but, to be honest, I felt like we could have worked a lot harder at untangling his problems.

For this interview I wanted to really probe Alex’s mind and find out what makes him tick. Who is he? Who is Alex Olson really? What are his dreams, his aspirations? What is he afraid of? What’s his star sign? What’s his rising sign? Is he having Nando’s for dinner? I asked him these questions and more, and I’m proud to say we made some real progress. For him to be completely cured, however, we’ll need to meet at least twice a week for about eight years.

If you wanted to impress a lady what would you do?

Oh, I don’t know. I’m really bad at that.

What would you do though?

I’d blow it. What ever it is, I would fuck it up.

Okay, where would you take her on a date?

Is it just dinner or…

No, the whole night. Talk me through a date with Alex Olson.

Oh god, no.

Come on.

No. I hate dating.

Come on, Alex.

Look, if I had to choose between going on a date and being photographed naked I’d go with being photographed naked.

Bullshit.

I’m not bullshitting at all.

You’re good with the ladies. Everyone knows it.

Dude, I lose…  I don’t know what to say first of all, I’m not a good storyteller. Second of all, I get so nervous. I think, ‘Am I talking enough? Am I talking too much?’ I get so self-conscious, it’s insane.

Dude.

No one likes dating, no one likes it.

Can’t you just do some jokes and stuff? That’s what I do.

I don’t know any jokes. All my jokes are like shitty dad jokes and the timing’s always off. It’s a disaster basically.

Do you wear aftershave? Maybe aftershave would help.

Is that the thing to do? That’s seems like an ‘80s thing to do.

Maybe.

I don’t know.

Have you ever kissed a man on the lips?

What?

Have you ever kissed a man on his lips?

I don’t know, if I was wasted maybe.

I’m not asking if you would, I’m asking if you did.

No, I know. I think I did once when I was drunk. But I don’t know.

You don’t remember.

No.

What about on the shoulder, did you ever kiss a man on the shoulder?

That’s even weirder. I’d rather say I kissed a guy on the lips before I said I kissed a guy on the shoulder.

Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes. I do. I spook the shit out of myself.

Really?

Yeah. If I’m by myself in a house, I’ll hear creaks and think, uh-oh, someone died in this house and now they’re fucking with me.

Have you ever seen one?

No. I haven’t had any encounters.

What about UFOs?

No. I wanna see one though.

Did you remember to vote?

Everyone keeps asking me this.

Did you?

I didn’t. I probably shouldn’t admit to that, but whatever.

I’ll put in that you did.

Thanks.

What if Obama rang you up and said, ‘Hey Alex, if you vote for me I’ll let you have a night with Michelle.’ Would you vote then?

No.

Yes you would.

I wouldn’t. Would you?

Absolutely. But I’m not a US citizen: I’m not allowed to vote.

But would you anyway?

Have sex with the President’s wife?

Yeah.

Totally. Wouldn’t you?

I don’t know.

Come on, Alex. You know you would totally bang Michelle Obama.

I don’t know!

I’ll just put ‘no comment’.

Yeah, put ‘no comment’.

What kind of music do you like?

I’m into everything.

You ever get into Mungo Jerry?

Mungo Jerry. I don’t know who that is, actually.

What about Zappa?

Yeah, I know who Frank Zappa is.

You dig him?

I don’t know much about Frank Zappa. I know he had black hair and a moustache. I can’t tell you any of his songs though.

Zeppelin?

Zeppelin?

Yeah.

Of course, I know who Zeppelin are.

Yeah, but do you like them?

Like, do I listen to them religiously?

Yeah.

No.

Is there a band you like that you’re really embarrassed about?

Um…

Is it Maroon 5?

No. I’d say Coldplay, but only for one song.

What song?

‘When I Ruled the World.’

Huh. Do you like 30 Seconds to Mars too?

No one likes 30 Seconds to Mars, let’s be honest.

Prepubescent girls like 30 Seconds to Mars.

Yeah, but that’s it.

How many times have you been drunk in your life?

God, I don’t know! I don’t count!

Is it like five times?

No! What am I, some kind of prude?

You’re a teetotaler. Everyone knows that. Why don’t you drink?

I can drink.

Do you drink at home?

Do I drink at home? Yeah, I drink at home.

Are you drinking now?

I’m drinking a glass of wine just now.

Red or white?

White. Duh.

Did you sniff glue?

No, but I’m dumb enough to do it.

You ever had an operation?

I haven’t. Knock on wood.

What kind of operation would you like to have if you had to have one?

What? Zero! I don’t want an operation.

Did one of your balls ever disappear up into your body cavity?

I can almost get one of my testicles up there, but no.

You’re not meant to try to get your nuts up there. It’s an accidental thing.

Oh, okay, then no. No, no.

Who do you go skating with mostly?

Myself right now. I’ve just been going by myself.

You always go skating by yourself? There must be someone you skate with.

Dylan.

Really, Dylan? But don’t you feel ugly hanging out with him?

I feel like the fat chick. But the cute fat chick.

Do you think Kenny Anderson has nice eyes?

Yes.

He does, doesn’t he? Very kind, warm eyes.

I’m just agreeing with you now.

What would you change about skateboarding if you could change something? What don’t you like about it?

Um…

Like what really gets to you about skateboarding? What gets your goat?

I’m tryin’ to think… A lot of the stuff that I don’t like is floating skateboarding right now.

Floating?

Funding skateboarding, like Skullcandy and the Street League and all that stuff. But you have to take the bad with the good. It’s like musicians hating record labels.

That’s a really good analogy. What’s up with OlsonStuff(.com)?

It’s still going.

I don’t think it is. I think it’s down.

Well, I haven’t paid for my subscription, but I might change it. I don’t know, do something different.

What are you going to do to make it different?

Just change the name.

What are you going to change it to?

I have two names, and they’re just super stupid.

What are they?

One’s ‘Honey Bee Disco.’

What’s the other one?

‘Disco Honey Bee.’ I think it’s going to be ‘Disco Honey Bee.’

I like ‘Honey Bee Disco.’

I’m not sure.

‘Honey Bee Disco.’ ‘Disco Honey Bee.’ ‘Honey Bee Disco.’ ‘Disco Honey Bee.’ I like ‘Honey Bee Disco.’ Rolls off the tongue better.

You sure? ‘Disco Honey Bee’?

No, ‘Honey Bee Disco.’

Yeah?

I think so. What trick do you enjoy most?

Favorite trick? I don’t know.

There must be one trick that makes you happier than all the others.

Maybe a frontside ollie? No, backside ollie off a quarterpipe, like a hip quarterpipe. It’s a pretty good feeling. I’ll do that over and over; I’ll do that for a day straight.

What does Steve (Olson) do that drives you bananas?

Um… I don’t know… Oh! You know what drives me nuts? I’ll call him and I’ll ask him what he’s doing, and he’ll reply, ‘What are you doing?’ And that drives me up the wall. He’s been doing it my whole life and it fucking drives me crazy.

That’s the most annoying thing your dad does?

It’s a small thing, y’know? Or we’ll go eat and he’ll go, ‘Oh, you have to pay for me.’ But I mean, that’s fine, that’s whatever. It’s family shit. But him asking me what I’m doing after I ask him what he’s doing drives me fucking nuts every time.

What are you going to have for dinner tonight, Nando’s?

I’m having fish for dinner.

What kind of fish?

I don’t know yet. Someone’s cooking it.

Who is your favorite interviewer?

You, by far.

Correct. Who is your favorite Australian?

You and Mike O’Meally.

What’s your five-year plan?

My 41K?

Well, no, just the next five years.

I don’t know. A lot of things are gonna change soon, so I don’t know.

What do you mean, ‘things are gonna change soon’?

I’m just at an age where things are going to start changing.

Are you turning 13 or something?

No.

Then what are you talking about?

I’m 26. I’ll be turning 27 soon. I’m just saying that over the next five years things are going to change.

Are you talking about the Saturn return?

I think it’s called Mercury in retrograde.

Mercury has been in retrograde all fucking year. I’m over it.

It has.

This is the gay part of the interview where we talk about astrology.

Well, I’m a Pisces. My rising sign is…

Are you being serious?

I am a Pisces, but I don’t know what my rising sign is.

What’s your birthstone?

I don’t know. What’s yours?

Amethyst.

I’m probably ruby.

Probably. All right, Alex, I think we’re done.

That was easy. Are you sure that’s it?

That’s it.

What about the stars? Let’s talk about the stars.

We’ll have to do that privately. Did we talk about everything we needed to cover?

I don’t know. I don’t know what’s on your list. I don’t know what my five-year plan is.

You don’t need one. Are you excited about it though, the next five years?

Yeah, but I have to make it past 27.

You’ll be fine. But what if tomorrow you developed a balance disorder and you couldn’t skate anymore?

Ah…

Heaven forbid.

Oh, thanks. A balance disorder… would it be so bad that I can’t even stand up?

You can stand up, sure, but when you walk you wobble all over the place and you feel like barfing up most of the time.

So, basically it’s like I’m drunk constantly.

Sort of, but it’s not much fun.

Does it happen when I’m sitting down too?

Yes.

Then I would collect unemployment or a disabled check.

You could make music.

I suck at making music, but I’d probably try to make music or try to go another creative route.

Like what?

Maybe I’d go back to school for art.

Yeah?

Yeah. I think so.