Monster Children’s Guide to Amsterdam
It is often said that The Big Lebowski is the best most rewatchable movie ever made.
Fans of Goodfellas, Kristen Dunst’s Bring It On, Star Wars, and more will argue their corner, but I personally think Steven Soderbergh outdid himself with Ocean’s 12. The incredible second instalment to the Ocean’s trilogy was released just three years after Danny and Rusty fleeced Andy Garcia on the first go-around. And although it doesn’t have a musical sequence backdropped to the Bellagio fountain, it has everything else. Soderbergh channelling French New Wave and Cassavettes. Vincent Cassel’s laser dance. Don Cheadle’s unhinged accent work really going front and center of it all.
But the best part, and, I really mean it, the absolute best part, of Ocean’s 12 is that it all takes place in Amsterdam. Because Amsterdam is absolutely class. Yes, I know, this is quite the tepid take, but: the capital of the Netherlands? Always a great time. And it’s also, secretly, one of the better places to live, skate, and, yes, even surf. Or at least if you don’t mind wind swell.
Seeing as there’re some rumours (we only have our finger on the pulse here at Monster Children) that the powdered wigs running the CPH Open may be moving from the City Of Spires to The Venice Of The North as things have become a little overwhelming for Christiana, we thought a guide to every canal shaggers, “Lad On Tour,” and American study abroad student’s favourite weekend destination would be fit. That, and I just got back from spending almost two weeks there so a lot of this is fresh in the head.
So, here is the tried and true list to ensure that if you visit, you will have a class time too. The good news is it really isn’t hard to have a good time in Amsterdam. It’s got canals. It’s got pints. It’s got great art, great people, and great restaurants. Pints are ace. Great bars, great people and great restaurants are ace. Having a pint on a canal with some great people after checking out some great art before heading to a great restaurant is ace. Amsterdam is ace.
Eten En Drinken
Now, it goes without saying that eating foreign food in a foreign place is always good because a lot of the stuff you eat on vacation tastes as good as it does because, that’s the thing, you’re on vacation. The best Mexican food you’ve ever had in your life was served up at some stall underneath the lazy stroke of the Pacific sun, soundtracked by the quiet swell of the sea, among the shade of palm trees. You have that one mate who always gets really weird and elitist about sushi because he went to Japan once. The Guinness just goes down differently in Ireland, that sort of thing.
With that said, Dutch food leaves, well, just a bit to be desired. I’m sorry but I’m just not that bang into pickled herrings. Stroopwafels are great but are also a dessert and I think we can all just agree that discussing snert is something best done in private or not at all. Anyway, can someone who has historical knowledge of integrating worldly flavours into local cuisine, conveying it into better, established local cuisine over time help me? My country which essentially just operated as a joint-stock company focused solely on having an iron grip on the world spice trade for nearly 200 years only eats bread. The cheese situation going on over there is quite phenomenal, however.
But all good opportunities lead to innovation. And there are some seriously experimental, delicious, and just overall amazing restaurants in Amsterdam. The list is endless because, like all great European cities, Amsterdam is stuffed with interesting chefs doing some really exciting things with their food. In fact, despite everything I wrote in the two paragraphs up above, I think there’s no place like it. Amsterdam has some of my favourite restaurants in the world.
I could go on and on, but the list would be endless. So, here are some highlights. First off, you’re going to want to his De Kaaskamer for a first-day-in walking around sandwich. It looks like your standard cheese shop but it’s anything but that. Go to the counter, and tell them what freshly cut meat, hand-crafted cheese, and fresh spread glistening from the deli case you want to put into a baguette. If you make it more than half a block before devouring it on the sidewalk you have more self-control than a silence-vowed monk. Restaurant Max has some of the best Indonesian food I’ve ever had, boasts an incredible wine list, and has a friendly staff, so it’s an easy place to love. If you’re looking for food grown on-site and in an elevated setting, De Kas is the sort of restaurant that’ll raise your foodie friends' eyebrows when you tell them you had a reservation. Cornerstore is easily my favourite restaurant in the world, and I mean it, so I’ll leave it at that.
And when it comes to drinking, few cities understand the importance of pairing good drinks with an excellent vibe better than Amsterdam. If you want some great in a classic indoor setting, Cafe Twee Prinsen is a must. If you want a great wine and beer at an indoor-but-mostly-outdoor setting that gets very lively around 10 PM, Glouglou is your spot. If you want great wine and beer and bites in a quiet setting where the entrance is usually blocked by the local's parked bikes? You will be interested in La Dilettante. And if you’re into a more lively vibe, good music, and the prospect of dancing with cool, hot people? Just hop on the free, two-minute taxi boat to the Noord and head over to Skatecafe and Zomer Bar.
Koffie
There are plenty of great places to get a hot cup of bean around Amsterdam. Seriously, you can just take one lap around any canal block and you’ll find a flat white that’ll leave you blocking the bike path in bliss. Some vibe-heavy sports are LOCALS, Black Gold, and Clapham. Cafe Keppler and Rum Baba have some excellent baked goods and 4850 has one of the best cinnamon buns I've ever had.
Wat Te Doen
It’d be irresponsible for us to not mention New Amsterdam Surf Association. You can’t go to Amsterdam and not pop into the world Paul Zeper and his team there have created. Great threads, amazing people, and this list would be just about empty it weren’t for their help.
This also goes without saying too, and I’m saying that even though I’m writing it here, now, but The Rijksmuseum is a must. Carve an afternoon out, get ready to spend a lot of time on your feet with your hands clasped behind your back, and get excited to see one of the greatest collections of art in one of the most beautiful spaces around.
Riding a bike around really is class, too. You can go smoke a bunch of weed if you want, of course. But you don’t really gain too much from that experience other than just remembering yourself laughing at two episodes of Top Chef back in your hotel room so hard you actually get sick.
War Te Slapen
One quick note here, we will not be recommending Airbnb here. In fact, I won’t recommend Airbnb ever. That is because Airbnb hosts, on the hierarchical scheme, are only a little below proper slumlords in pure evil terms. They are generally some of the maddest people out there. And they are also definitely up there in broader evil terms. This is because Airbnb takes a finite resource that we all need some sort of access to, which in this case is, you know, a roof over your head, and holds it hostage. Locals get priced out in favour of people wearing astonishingly unfashionable shorts and some sort of always-on, sideways fanny pack that is, “filled with Euros.” Who needs those invisible but iron-tight little knitted bonds within communities that make a city, well, alive when you can have someone visit for, like, two days, eating in the same three restaurants, going to two Irish pubs, and sighing about one museum fee, right?
One thing that doesn’t quite lead to irreparable social decay, however: hotels. Hotels clean your sheets every morning and give you fresh towels, which is truly one of life’s greatest treats. I’ve stayed at Zoku and both Max Brown hotels and I couldn’t recommend them more. Plus, they’re both cheaper than any half-decent Airbnb without something mad in it, like, a toilet in your shower(?) which is also right next to your bed(??). Maybe I’m speaking from experience there. Or, maybe I’m not. Let’s just say you really find out how much you love your significant other (or don’t) when there’s one shared toilet-shower within arm's reach of your comforter.
Surfen En Skaten
Yes, you can surf in Amsterdam. Well, technically, just a bit outside of Amsterdam at Wijk aan Zee. According to Paul from New Amsterdam Surf Association, it has a pier, wind protection (The Netherlands is very flat and very windy and that explains why they love a good windmill there), and it’s only about a 30-minute drive from the city centre. Zandvoort beach has a bit more variety but it’s close to an hour outside of the city. So, maybe just go skating instead.