The Monster Children Guide To Austin, TX
If you are reading this guide on this website, it is very likely that you will find yourself in Austin, Texas at some point in your life. You’re the type.
Statistically, you are between the ages of eighteen and thirty five making between seventy and two hundred thousand dollars a year, and our research suggests that you have an interest in the counter cultures of skate and music with a willingness to invest in travel.
All of these factors combine to inform the contents of this guide to the city of Austin, a city which - from its numerous film and music festivals to vibrant arts scene to undeniable quality of barbecue - possesses in excess and is suited for the above-described demographic.
Austin is the most arrived city in the US. Somehow simultaneously ‘up’ and ‘coming', the perception of those outside of Austin being that it is the next Los Angeles or New York City, and the perception of those actually from Austin being that it already is, as reflected in the increased gentrification and accompanying rents.
But in a city burdened by rampant economic growth, oppressive safety, and a swelling population of newcomers, how does one have fun? In a city with too many options, where does one go to live like a local? Luckily, we know a few born and raised natives. More than know them, our editor lives with a few of them. From thrifting to coffee to country dancing to finding the love of your life, this very selective guide is here to steer you like a first-mate’s loving hands over an incompetent captain’s.
Small Victory
Small Victory
Who knows why you came to Austin. Maybe it’s because you’re big on Teslas and cowboy boots. Maybe you like bluegrass. Maybe you got your heartbroken and feel like you’ll never love again, nor could you ever be loved again, or ever were in the first place. It’s that, isn’t it? You’ll be okay. This guide will fix you. Why not have a drink to take your mind off it? A speakeasy aesthetic without the speakeasy pretension (why are these bars always trying to hide themselves from me and why does that make them think they’re cool?), Small Victory is through a tiny door and up a spiral staircase, serving some of the best cocktails Austin can offer. It is intimate and dark and perfect for a first date or for brooding alone at the bar.
Cosmic Coffee
For the morning after your night at Small Victory getting sloppily drunk alone on the best cocktails you’ve ever had (although you likely hit an internal drunk wall and abandon their well-crafted menu in favor of blurting ‘sp-spicy… spicy marg…please), you’ll need a bit of a pick-me-up. For good coffee and volume that doesn’t hurt your fragile, ringing, hungover ears, Cosmic Coffee is delicious and its sprawling outdoor space provides adequate auditory dispersion. We recommend a tall black to get you sorted and then a craft beer (one of many that they have on tap) to sharpen you up.
Black’s BBQ
Black’s Barbecue
One Austin native called this place the best BBQ they’ve ever had, and another called it the best BBQ they’ve ever been told they’ve ever had. Is it amazing or is it simply a classic? We reckon it can be both, and it is. Black’s is simultaneously delicious and overly-recommended, but the very fact that the worst of its reputation is based on it being simply too good is a testament to how good it really is, a bit like how the more everyone tells you that you have to watch The Sopranos because it is the greatest show ever made, the less likely you are to like it, but that is more about you than the show.
Uncommon Objects
For things as strange as yourself, we recommend Uncommon Objects, an antique and oddity store specializing in things of the (predictably but passionately) Southwestern aesthetic. From cowboy boots to wagon wheels to taxidermy foxes dressed like Dick Chenney on Easter, this store has everything you’d need to prove to your friends back home that yes, you did in fact go to Texas, and yes, your tastes are stranger than theirs. Uncommon Objects is a favorite for the weird but stylish and at price points that don’t make you feel like you’re thrifting in Silverlake, which makes it well-worth an hour’s peruse.
No Comply Skate Shop
You are going to bring your board because you are a skate nerd and we love you for it, but when you do a slappy and your pivot cups cannot handle the dry, unforgiving atmosphere, they will burst, and you’ll need help. That’s where No Comply comes in. Carrying all of your essentials plus a little more, No Comply has your back. Notably, No Comply also does a good job of not making you feel out of place when you walk in. They aren’t snickering at you when you ask, ‘how much for a sticker?’ and ‘which way do the trucks go?’ They are a kind and friendly staff in an environment that welcomes you rather than intimidates you, which is a rare thing in the scene. Even more rare: No Comply’s name doesn’t make me cringe. There is an epidemic in North America that no one is discussing: horrible, cheesy skate shop names, and No Comply has been able to avoid falling under fever (sorry, Baddies’ skate shop).
No Comply Skateshop
Texas Thrift
After you’ve repaired your pivot cup and redeemed yourself with a slappy bs smith, you’re exhausted and the sweat has turned your top translucent. You’ll need to find yourself a new kit. Something flashy and cool but inexpensive. Something with style and charm and character, but non-designer and unpretentious. For this, our Texans recommend Texas Thrift. You can find a lot of thrift stores in Austin, but with the rising reseller culture, you can find yourself getting slapped with a $70 price tag on a shirt from the 70’s that your uncle donated to Goodwill just the year before. Texas Thrift is completely unglamorous, but that keeps quality high and prices low. You have to dig, but when you find that leather jacket and slacks from the 80’s, you’ll have earned them.
(Honorable mention: Blue Velvet Vintage for a great selection of men’s clothes from decades past at a higher-than-Texas-Thrift-but-lower-than-Brooklyn price point.)
End Of An Ear
Your new outfit now upon your frugal, delighted skin, you’re on a shopping hot streak, so make your way over to End Of An Ear and find yourself some hi-fi gems. End Of An Ear is not the largest or most complex of record stores, but what it lacks in size, it makes up for in obscurity and quality. You will find some wild, rare, beloved bits of music under their roof. From Darkwave classics to Hank III, End Of An Ear has a bit of something for everyone and won’t break the bank.
White Horse
White Horse is a country music bar with cheap, good, strong drinks, but we love it for its good ole’ country dance floor. There are few live music bars in America that you can walk into at 5PM on a Tuesday and find a very high quality band in the middle of their set with a dancefloor absolutely jam packed with well-practiced honkytonk-ers in full Texas regalia, and White Horse is one of them. They’re a gem if ever there was one. Just a warning: if you’re one of those spoilsports who goes to places to dance ironically, you will not have a good time, and you will very likely be asked (by committee) to leave. This is a place for true believers. Dance with a couple of Texas moms and dads and discover the joy of community despite the feelings of loneliness that drove you to take at rip to Austin alone following a difficult break up. Here, you are accepted. Here at White Horse listening to a live cover of Achy Breaky Heart, you are adored.
The Taco Truck Outside of White Horse (and Taco Trucks in General)
To quote our editor’s roommate directly, ‘there is a lot of good Tex-Mex, some good authentic Mexican food, but it is very hard to find a shitty taco truck in Austin’. That in mind, once you’ve finished dancing to a live cover of Achy Breaky Heart with the local moms and dads at White Horse, step outside and score yourself some pollo tacos and an avocado tostada at the taco truck right outside. Other notable taco trucks include: Cuantos tacos, Discada, Las trancas, and El tacorito (breakfast tacos).
Hotel Vegas
Hotel Vegas is likely Austin’s most famous and most adored venue/bar, and rightfully so. It is historical, intimate, affordable, uninhibited by the ever-increasing tech employees in Patagonia vests Tweeting praise at Elon Musk. Hotel Vegas has managed to remain fairly unchanged from its somewhat-gothy, somewhat-punk roots and is therefore in the hearts of locals and visitors alike. Everyone advises you to do as the locals do and go where the locals go when visiting a new place, and by having a drink and seeing a show at Hotel Vegas, you can knock out both.
Hotel Vegas’ Back Yard
Hotel Vegas’ Bathroom
If you are so inclined, you can move from the Hotel Vegas bar to the Hotel Vegas bathroom to find various friendly characters, all of whom possess every type of drug you could want. We are not advising you to purchase and use any of those drugs, especially a certain drug known to be absolutely riddled with Fentanyl as of late (find Narcan, here), but there are other things on offer. Not that we would know, nor would we tell you to find out.
Hotel Vegas’ Photo Booth
In the process of not purchasing any drugs, do not meet a very beautiful someone and ask them to meet you in the Hotel Vegas photo booth to not partake in those not-drugs, and maybe a little bit of hand holding while we’re at it. As the not-drugs take hold, that someone’s face illuminates in the flash and you discover that their eyes have the most beautiful shade of brown you’ve ever seen, and the freckle on their lip looks a little like a heart when stretched with a smile.
Barton Springs
Barton Springs is a beautiful natural spring that flows into one of a few rivers that make their way through the city. Barton’s pool is a perfect stop for cooling off on a hot Texas day. The only downside is the fee to enter, but when you’ve spent four hours of the day sweating through your shirt and catch a glimpse of that gorgeous spring, it is money well spent (if the fee is too much of a bummer, head over to Twin Falls at the Green Belt, just a short drive and brief hike up the river). Take that special someone that you didn’t do any drugs with over to Barton Springs. Discover to your dismay that it closes at 10PM. Definitely don’t hop the fence with them and jump into the spring with your clothes on, because that’d be illegal trespassing. Because you did not hop the fence with this special someone, you won’t come to the surface closer to them than you’ve ever been, you won’t suddenly become extraordinarily aware of every single sensation you could possibly have - the water rushing between your fingers, the warmth of the night on your face, the sound of crickets and snakes and dust and wind all conversing in the night, that someone’s breath mixing with yours pouring out nervously from lips only inches from your own. You won’t kiss them gently, and only once.
CoConut Club
Coconut Club
You’ve seen a show at Hotel Vegas, you’ve crushed beers and toes at the honky tonk that is White Horse, you bought a leather jacket with tassels and found a cowboy hat on the sidewalk. You are wet and in love. You are ready to end the night dancing at Coconut Club. Coconut Clubs has multiple floors, multiple rooms, and multiple genres of music to dance to. Queer-friendly and committed to safety and inclusion, Coconut Club is where you go to dance the night off, bask in the heat of a Texas crowd, lose yourself in a groove and kiss that person you found earlier, cozy in the dim pink velvet corner booth, shielded by ferns and in the throes of spontaneous enamor that you could never have expected to find so quickly, so sweetly, and so vividly. Their lips pursed and fitting yours perfectly, their giggles between breaths and your hand on their cheeks, you think, ‘maybe everything will be okay after all. I like Austin. I’m glad I came. I’m glad I followed the Monster Children Guide. I’m glad.’
Honorable mentions:
-Pinballz: BYOB arcade just outside of downtown.
-Yellow Jacket: An outdoor (everything is outdoor, it’s Austin) bar in the style of a dive bar.
-Leroy & Lewis BBQ: You’ve never had a cheeseburger like this.
-Franklin BBQ: Brisket. Get the brisket. Get it early because they sell out.
-The Meteor: For a pleasant atmosphere and natural wine selection in an unpretentious setting.
-Sammie’s: Italian food that won’t hurt your wallet and will impress your significant other’s Italian parents.
-Mr. Natural: For the vegan and vegetarian, delicious, diverse, nutritious.
-Avenue B Grocery & Market: A deli sandwich unlike any other in Texas, get there early.
