Parties are gatherings, and gatherings foster communities.

Communities, given time and pressure and heat, become cultural diamonds. In order for a community to exist, it must gather, somewhere. Unfortunately, the availability of venues for such gatherings have become scarce and commercialized post-pandemic. The parties have become sterile, and the seediest have either closed or been overcome by Negroni-drinking dicks who have the disposable income to afford the enormous cover charge. 

Fuck the glamour and fuck the enormous cover charge and fuck waiting in line outside. ‘Going out’ should be about people and music and dance and fun. It should not be about being seen and it should cater to more than the bourgeoisie. 

All of this to say, if there’s nowhere for you and your friends to drink and dance, here’s how you can make a place of your own, if only for one night. It is inadvisable for you to do anything listed in this article, and we are telling you how to do it only so that you know what not to do. This article is called ‘How To Throw An Illegal Warehouse Party,’ but really, this should be called, ‘How To Throw An ‘Illegal’ Party’, because if you’re smart, it isn’t always illegal, and if you’re creative, it isn’t always a warehouse. It’s wherever you can. 

Every good party requires four things: space, sound, drink, and people. Here’s how to get them all, one way or another, according to those who have done it.

Scout a location:

An apartment is not ideal because residential housing units are subject to noise curfews and everyone can hear them. Get on your bike and head to an industrial area where there are no residences. Bike around a couple of times that week, look for buildings that have no activity, no noise, no one going in and out. Empty warehouses, abandoned office buildings, things like that. Once you have found a couple of prospects, search for the property owner online via your city or county’s property records. If you have a budget, contact the property owner and ask if they’d be willing to rent their property for a one-night-only art installation. If they say yes, that’s great and you are no longer doing anything illegal! However, that yes comes with several more issues, such as them requesting a deposit and proof of event insurance, as well as how pissed they’re going to be when your art installation turns out to be a massive dance party. That in mind, many guerilla party throwers tend to skip the owner altogether. 

Break in:

Well, don’t break in, because that’d be illegal, and we’d never tell you to do anything illegal. Plus if you break in, your case for being there will be much weaker. If we were to tell you to do something in this scenario, we’d tell you to find a way into the building without necessarily (or at least not visibly) breaking in. Smashing through a window is a hard no. Slipping through an unlocked window is a hard yes. Heck, even cutting the chain lock off of a door can be a yes so long as you make sure to hide the fact that there ever was a chain. It is extremely advisable to look for cameras, motion sensing alarms in the corners of rooms, etc. You are less likely to encounter these if you search for a building that is vacant but not necessarily abandoned. Former car repair shops and carpentry houses are good choices as they tend to be large, flat, and with an open floor plan.

Occupy that space:

So you’re in. Now you stay there. Occupy the space. If you are able, change the locks on the doors, and fix something, like a drywall hole or an overgrown entry - anything. These actions will help to qualify you as a squatter. Depending on the regional laws in which you are acting, squatters have the right to occupy a space so long as it is with purpose (ie, living), and you are making active and visible improvements to the property. At least, until the property owner discovers you and files a claim with the court to have you removed. Often (you’d be surprised at how often), property owners with vacant spaces in industrial areas will not even discover you until you’ve already partied and left, but if they do, know your rights as a squatter, under no circumstances should you tell them your intention to throw a party, and be kind and cordial in interactions. If they threaten to have you removed by the court, tell them okay, because that process will take more than 24 hours by which time you will have already left. Again, it is very important to know your local squatting laws and how they operate (for example, in parts of the UK, if you post a physical notice of squatting habitation at entry points, you are protected by the law, but only with a posted notice), all of which can be found with a simple Google search. 

Big Box Borrower’s Club:

You have your location, now you need a sound system. Did you know that at many big box electronics stores, they have a full-refund policy on items bought within 48 hours, even if those products are opened and removed from packaging? We’d never tell you to abuse this policy by purchasing the most fuck off incredible sound system package you can afford, using it that night for the party, and then returning it the next day for a full refund, because that’d be wrong. (Note: protect these items with your life, we will get into this later). 

Electricity:

Another reason to shoot for vacant but not abandoned places: vacant places tend to still have electrical service running, which you will need for your enormous sound system that you definitely didn’t rent from the Big Box Borrower’s Club. In lieu of that, the big box store also tends to sell generators and extension cords (keep them outside or you will suffocate and die). In lieu of even that, street lamps. If you were to do something illegal, which we are certainly not telling you to do, you would open up the bottom hatch with a flat head or phillips screwdriver and tap into the street lamp by plugging directly into the convenient outlet within. We would not advise you to do any of this, but we would especially advise you not to try to tap directly into the street lamp electrical wiring because you are not an electrician and you will 100% die. If there’s no outlet box, just close that lamp right on up and look to adjacent property with external outlets you could borrow from, which in industrial areas, are quite common. 

People: 

You know the kind of people that you see in line outside the nightclub on a friday night in your local’s arts district? Picture them. You can, can’t you? That means that that is a specific kind of person at that party, and that’s bad. You don’t want a specific kind of person at your party, you want all kinds of person at your party. For this reason, we advise you to seek out the most eclectic people you know and inform them of your plan, but withhold the location for the moment.

Go out and find punks, mods, Hip Hop dancers, ballet dancers, models, rock bands, rappers, artists, scene kids, jazz musicians, goths, surfers, skaters - everyone you know or ever will know - and from every group you can find. A vast mix of people who do not know each other is exactly what you want because this party will be the unification point of all cultures, and because they are each outside of their comfort zone, everyone will be on an even social playing field. You want to eliminate any sort of localism or social hierarchy or, ‘aw man this is our bar, what’re they doing here?’ talk amongst the crowd. 

Take down a phone number from each social tribe. At 9pm, send out the address via a mass text. Protect the location until this moment as it lessens the possibility of being shut down beforehand. 

(Note: have ten or so of your close friends there early, because no one wants to be the first person at a party.)

(Note: it is very, very important that you invite people who dance. No one ever wants to be the first person to dance at a party (sadly), so seek out the free spirits and slip them a tenner to get the party started.)

Drink:

You’ll need drinks. Unfortunately, there is no scam for this. You can’t buy a full keg and return an empty keg for a full refund. However, if one were to do something illegal, which we know you’d never do and which we are not telling you to do, you would combat this cost by ordering four of the cheapest kegs available and charging $2 per cup, or getting orange juice, grape juice, pineapple juice, and fruity flavored tequila at a ratio of 2 parts juice to 1 part tequila, pouring it all into a bucket, and charging $5 per cup. This will recoup your cost quickly and help you pay out the dancers as well as security.

Security:

Oh yeah, you need people to act as security. Find yourself five of the largest people you know. Not the strongest, no gym rats. Large. Frighteningly, visibly large. We’re talking six foot seven, three hundred pounds. If you get a five foot four gym rat, people will fight them. If you get someone visibly imposing, people won't even think to try. Pay two of them to pat people down for weapons at the door as well as to look out for police, one to protect the alcohol booth, another to protect the DJ/sound system, and another in the crowd protecting the patrons. You want to create a safe, but non-restrictive environment. You do not want security looking for people doing drugs or sneaking in alcohol. Let them be, that’s a party. You want security to look for assaults, hate, intimidation, and shitheads who bring the vibe down. 

Music:

These tips are applicable to most parties, so take them with you even if your events are legal. You want a danceable, eclectic mix. A playlist on shuffle will do just fine, but if you can get a DJ (you can, come on), get a good one and make sure that this isn’t simply their time to play four hours of their cousin’s drum n bass. Ideally, given the setting, the mixed crowd, and the timeline, you’d like every four songs to be a song that the crowd will know the words to as that will be an invigorator, drawing people onto the dancefloor, especially if they’ve been doing drugs for four hours. Every eight to ten songs should be something longer, simpler, and if applicable, a slower tempo, as it will encourage people to go and buy a drink during the lull. However, never, ever, ever bring the vibe down to sell a beer. If it is going good and everyone’s in a groove, let it burn. 

Escape route:

You wouldn’t do any of the above, so I don’t have to say this, but it is important to have escape routes. Protect yourself and your property (ironic, I know). The most efficient escape route for if the cops bust down the doors and break up your shindig, is to set up the music and alcohol directly adjacent to fire exits. Make sure that the inside and outside of the fire exit is clear and accessible. Keep the sound system on hand trucks with wheels. In case of emergency, instruct security guards to wheel the soundsystem out the fire exit and into the back of your SUV which you have parked right outside. Even if the SUV never drives off, the sound system is safe within your vehicle and cannot be seized. Instruct another security guard to grab the alcohol cash box and run the fuck away to meet you later at a predetermined rally point. The cash and the sound system are vital. Do not let the cops get their hands on either of them, or you’re sunk. Additionally, no one wants to get arrested. If the cops come, there will be panic, and panic is dangerous. As soon as police are spotted, have your door security set off some sort of alarm (text message, signal light, etc) that will signal the DJ to cut, security to open all exits before fulfilling their assigned tasks, and get everyone out safely. 

Finish before sunrise: 

With the light of day comes the law, and it is common for police to execute eviction notices first thing in the morning. You want to be long gone by then. Give yourself an hour before sunrise to shut that shit down. Cut the music and pack yourself out. Tell everyone that the party is over. If people want to stay, that’s up to them, they know what they’re doing, but get yourself and your people and your equipment out. 

Additional notes/advice:

-Don’t do any of this.

-Having costume pieces available for use such as wigs, funny hats, glasses, or funny props really loosens people up. What starts as a silly ironic, ‘haha, look at me, I’m wearing a pirate hat, so silly’, quickly becomes a man in a pirate hat and eyepatch and ass-less cowboy chaps wiggling across the dancefloor blowing a whistle to Song 2 by Blur.

-Silly string is cheap fun. 

-Have narcan and drug testing kits available for free in the bathrooms.

-Fog machines are fun. 

-Don’t make this a gimmick. 

-Don’t speak on the mic during the music. Do not let the DJ do it either. No one on the mic until the party is over. Shut the fuck up.

-A bribe goes a long way.

-Safety first. Safety first. Safety first. Safety first. Safety first.

-No tolerance policy for sexual harassment or assault, hate speech, or people whipping their dicks out (unless it’s in private and consensual). 

-No graffiti or gratuitous destruction. You didn’t come there to destroy the place. You’re not an asshole and this isn’t a rage room. Respectfully commandeer the space, then kindly replace the chain you broke off the doors.