How to Steal: Tips and Tricks for Petty Theft
Inflation is suffocating every aspect of life.
In the city, electric bills have doubled, and the $1 slice—New York City’s most precious delicacy—is now $1.50. Though the rate in the US is steadily dropping and will hopefully be further reined in with the newly passed Inflation Reduction Act (a piece of legislation that is meant to slow the rate of inflation and the rate at which the world is burning to death), inflation is still making this a very difficult time to be a consumer.
The answer? Steal.
Capitalism has failed most of us, but you know who it hasn’t failed? The massive corporations whose futures are completely assured to the point of government intervention. They can withstand the financial loss of an orange, but you can’t. You’re on the brink of scurvy, so fuck ’em. Here are some tricks and tips for stealing from gigantic corporate entities who can take the hit for the sake of your survival.
The Big G*lp Method: This is a trick I learned from the sketchy older kids on my block in the days when I was too young to get a job but old enough to feel hunger and thirst. Go to a place with a fountain soda machine. Get a very large cup. Stuff candy bars and muffins and sandwiches into the cup, but make sure the food packaging is watertight. Proceed to fill the cup with dark-colored soda. Pay for the cost of a cup of soda and get all the food inside of it for free.
The Tote Bag Method: Go to the grocery store—preferably a Hole Foodz because they seem to give less of a shit—and fill your tote bag with your favorite foods. Go to the self-checkout line and unload all the shit. Pretend to scan each item before putting it back in your tote bag. Pay for one item so that a receipt is printed, then leave. Major retailers rely on paranoia as a theft deterrent, which is why there’s often a monitor right above the checkout to let you know you’re on camera. You are, but it is highly unlikely that anyone is watching that camera. Take it from a guy on the inside—no one’s watching. An alternate version where self-checkout isn’t available: unload most of the things onto the conveyor belt but keep some things inside, small enough to make it look mostly empty, and no one will be willing to accuse you of anything. This is less lucrative, but stealing a lil’ something is better than paying for everything.
The Exchange: I had a friend in college who would get tired of his clothes and exchange them for new, similar ones. He’d go to stores that didn’t use electronic security tags on the garments but did do the, ‘How many items are you bringing into the changing room’ thing (if you’re bringing in four items, they hang a card with a ‘#4’ on the door of your room). He’d go when it was particularly busy so the person checking wouldn’t remember which garments each person brought, enter the changing room, swap outfits, say none of it fit, and exit in the new clothes, leaving his old clothes behind. He did this for all four years of college. It only works if the clothes you’re abandoning are similar to what the store sells. He would do this at Curvy Yellow Fruit Republic, and he dressed like a dork, so it worked.
The Garden State: This is a tweaked version of the scheme featured in Garden State where Peter Sarsgaard’s character took a box of knives from a department store shelf and tried to return them. Today, this is too bold a method and won’t get you far without proof of purchase. Instead, go to a Targitt, rifle through the trash for receipts and pull out a few long ones. Since people probably noticed you do that, go to a different Targitt, find the items listed on the receipts within the store, and bring them to Customer Service to exchange for cash. I’m told this method doesn’t work with higher-priced items because of some barcode magnet thing, so aim for under $50 per receipt. (Note: look for receipts paid in cash because if you process a return on a purchase made with a card, it is often refunded to that same card, which doesn’t help you much.)
The Layer: Goodwill is an example of a corporation that mistreats its workers, claims to be saintly, and doesn’t pay for its merchandise because you give it to them for free. The least they can do is let you have some of it back. Go into a store like Goodwill in the wintertime with minimal layers but a big coat. Put on a whole bunch of clothing you like, then put the big coat over it. Walk out. You’ll blend right in. To be fair, stealing from Goodwill doesn’t even need to reach this level of complication. None of their employees ever seem to care. Maybe if they treated them better, they would.
The Dumpster Diver: I once worked at a store that had a deli counter that closed at nine. If there was food left at the deli when we closed, we could take that food home. Eventually, the manager Glenn realized we were making a bunch of food at 8:45 pm with the expectation that it wouldn’t sell and then we’d get to take it home, so they changed the rules and made us throw away whatever was left. Fucking wasteful. Despicable. Throwing away food just to prevent their employees from getting a freebie. So, out of spite, we’d put the food in Ziplocs, then put the Ziplocs in a tied-up bag, then put that bag at the very top of the trash bags, then put those trash bags in the dumpster, where we’d retrieve the Ziplocs of food later. Fuck you, Glenn.
The Confidence Man: This is one for the brave and foolish. Go into a store, find the thing you want to steal, then go look at something else. Put the item you want in your pocket very loosely and lazily, even let it hang out of your pocket a bit. After a couple of minutes, take a fake phone call and walk out. Best case scenario, you’ve successfully stolen the item you want. Worst case, someone notices the thing you’re stealing and stops you, which is when you can feign embarrassment and pretend that you forgot it was even in there. Not looking like you’re trying to steal is often the thing that allows you to steal, or at least prevents you from being banned from the store. It’s one for the theatrical type, but I’ve gotten a lot of good stuff this way. Like so many things in life, the key is confidence.
Getting Caught: It is likely that in your long career as a thief, so long as you can get outside of the store before being caught, you will not be caught. A vast majority of major retailers enforce a no-chase policy. What this means is that their employees are instructed not to chase a thief beyond the doors of the store because they see the liability of one of their employees getting into a fistfight over a box of Cheerios as more costly than just letting you have them. So, if you’re in a pinch and can feel a security guard breathing down your neck, all you have to do is get off of the property and you’re usually good.
An ethical note: Some companies have systems of investment in place where their employees get bonuses if their department makes money, but then lose their bonus if the department loses money. The cost of theft counts in that loss. For example, a guy who works in the soap department of a store will make an extra few dollars a month if they sell more soap than expected, but if you steal those few extra dollars’ worth of soap, it evens out to zero for that guy, who is just as poor and desperate as you. You don’t want to steal from that guy, you want to steal from his boss’ boss’ bosses, so don’t be a dick. Check the company website before you make your move.