Guy Williams Bought Me Lunch

Images by Josh Sabini

During the Melbourne International Comedy Festival in April, I rocked up to Melbourne’s City Park as I do quite regularly. This time, however, I was surprised by a familiar face.

A familiar face who didn’t know who I was, but I sure knew who he was. It was New Zealand’s national treasure, Guy Williams from New Zealand Today. I was confused as to what on earth he would be doing at the skatepark but had assumed he was there for the comedy festival, as I looked over at the skatepark I saw my friend David Quirk was there also a skateboarder and a comedian. Maybe they knew each other, I thought to myself. As I approach the skatepark and say hello to David, he introduces me to Guy, and I tell him I’m a fan which is quite out of character for me, but I thought it needed to be done. He gets it a lot while we were hanging out in the city about five people came up to him saying they were fans and it was a pleasure to meet him, he was insanely nice to them all. I spoke to him for a bit and the 6-foot-6 man who towered over me explained that he was here for the comedy festival performing his show, ‘Comedy Plus Time Equals Tragedy’ a show he described as left-wing propaganda, it was, and it was great. It was a great show, thanks again for the tickets, Guy. I laughed so hard that I lost my voice. He also told me that a few weeks ago, he had gotten into skateboarding and he and his brother Paul (also a comedian) were learning how to skate. They were both sharing the same board, something that only true brothers would do. Guy was wearing full pads, gloves (for some reason), New Balance basketball shoes and an ice hockey helmet because none of the helmets at the skate shop fit his head. After we chatted for a bit, I asked if he’d be keen to do an interview, and he was keen. Guy was eager to show the world that he is not just a comedian and television personality but is also a SKATEBOARDER.

So, I present Guy Williams of New Zealand Today’s first interview in a skateboarding magazine. 

Also, for those that don’t know who he is, and just read the story of me fanning out meeting him. He is a Kiwi comedian who is most widely known for his show, New Zealand Today, a show of faux journalism where he reports on the strangest stories in small town New Zealand from, covering a flat earth convention to trying to get Karen’s $20 back, interviewing locals and characters along the way. I guess it blew up on YouTube, which is how I, an Australian found the show. It’s hilarious, Guy is hilarious, and hanging out with him felt like I was in an episode of the show.

So, we met up for lunch and Guy bought me lunch. Thanks for buying me lunch Guy. We are definitely some ‘cool dudes’.

Guy! Hello, and welcome to this interview. Where may people know you from?

Hello! People may know me from my TV show, which is also on YouTube for Australians, it’s called New Zealand Today. Where I travel around small town, New Zealand and cover weird stories. I’m also a stand-up comedian and some people weirdly know me from a show similar to Hamish and Andy called Jonno and Ben. Whenever people want a photo with me in Australia, I always ask how they know me, I had a big family the other night in the front row of my show and I asked and they said Jonno and Ben, I asked where they were from, and they said Australia. The dad used to pirate the show for the whole family to watch, how wholesome is that? It’s so lovely. It made my day and then they were at my show on his birthday.

Happy birthday Dad.

Yeah, happy birthday Russ. It was melting my heart. It was adorable.

That is adorable. So, we met skateboarding. What is skateboarding?

Skateboarding is a really enjoyable hobby; it is like poor people skiing. Which I love. I got into skiing during lockdown because we couldn’t leave New Zealand, but it was incredibly expensive. Then I realised you can get the same thrills from skateboarding without having to travel long distances. It’s also a really good solo sport if you’ve got no mates, which I don’t, so it’s perfect.

What got you into skateboarding at the ripe old… Wait, how old are you?

I’m 35. 

What got you into skateboarding at this ripe old age?

Don’t say the ripe old age of 35, that’s such a cliché thing to say. I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but you can say something better. Like maybe you can say disgustingly old age. I don’t know. 

Would you call yourself old?

No, but old for someone learning how to skateboard. Okay, whatever. So, the point was I went to Venice Beach and saw the skateboarders cruising the bowl and I thought, that looks amazing I’d love to be able to do it and I was like why don’t I take it up, it’s a great hobby and you get outside. Then I was thinking about buying a skateboard for ages and then didn’t build up the courage and kept making excuses. Then I was having a really stressful day a couple of weeks ago and basically had a mental breakdown and was like fuck it, I’m going to the skate shop and asked how much the most expensive board was and they said $320 and then it ended up coming to $420 I don’t know how. I got ripped off [laughs]. But I love it, I love skating so much, it’s my life now. I fell over the other day and now my back is broken.

What happened when you fell over?

So, John Cruckshank another comedian was doing a rock and roll?

Yep, that’s it.

It’s incredible I know the name of a move, but I asked him what it was called, and I was doing the joke that, ‘You’ve got the rock you just have to get the roll’. That was my big joke. Then he finally did it and I was so excited. I rolled down a ramp celebrating, completely upright almost leaning backwards and fell straight on my back. It would’ve been funny if it wasn’t happening to me, I even tried to laugh but I was so winded I could not laugh. My reaction was just me trying to breathe. Someone asked me if I was okay and in an out of breath voice trying to gasp for air I replied ‘I’m not okay’ [laughs]. I’ve never been winded before; I literally couldn’t breathe that was scary. My back was sore, so I was like ‘oh no I’m going to be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life’. Then just the humiliation of that all and I felt bad because I ruined John’s great trick. And we didn’t even get it on video because David Quirk another great comedian, skater and nicest guy he stopped filming just before I fell or ‘slammed’ as they call it.

Before that I hadn’t slammed because I’m such a coward when I skate. I wear full pads and a helmet. Rollerbladers laugh at me, but for start you can’t laugh at me you’re a rollerblader, you just got over getting bullied and now you’re going to bully yourself. That’s a toxic culture rollerbladers.

The helmet is the only skateboarding equipment that I think is a must have. I am obsessed with this. Even the rugby dumb fucks have learned that brain damage is bad.

You know what’s ironic when I was a kid, skating was huge, and everyone wore skate tees, baggy jeans and chunky skate shoes and twenty years later I’m back into it and that fashion is back in style. I have a question for you. Why is skate fashion so homogenous?

I think people are scared to be different in a sense. We also do copy and take influence from each other too.

It’s really interesting how everyone just looks the same with the same colour schemes and same everything. I understand, I guess. But there is a Kiwi skater, The Featch [Richie Jackson], he dresses like Salvador Dali. The skaters I like are the ones that I can remember what they look like. My other favourite skater is William Willamson or Andrew Andrewson or whatever his name is. He has the same name twice. He’s the only pro skater who wears a helmet pretty much.

Oh, Andy Anderson.

He wears a helmet and that’s good. I know he’s selling the helmet but it’s cool. Sell people pads. I wear all the pads, when I fell, I took most of it on my elbow, but I took a lot of it on my ribs and back. Can I get ribs pads? That’s the next thing I want. I think ice hockey players wear them and I want that.

I think you can get a t-shirt you wear under your shirt that is padded but it’s more of a motocross thing.

I am very scared of damaging my spine now, it’s very important. I need to be a better skater though. I said the other day ‘the most important thing about skating is supporting your friends’ and David Quirk said ‘no, it’s watching where you’re going’. He is the nicest guy. I met him at the skatepark, and he instantly tried to help me learn to drop in, I couldn’t do it but what a good guy. He was holding me like he was my dad. I loved it.

I’ve read in the news that skateboarding has been scientifically proven to be a beneficial hobby for your mental and physical health. Have you been feeling the positive effects since you’ve begun?

Yeah, it’s just a wholesome hobby right. What I really love is that when I bought my skateboard it was a thrill the first day to just roll up and down my street. I would push up the slight incline and then speed my way back down. Also, they are easy to take around with me. As a comedian, I’m obviously travelling a bit, like I’m in Melbourne for a month and it’s so easy to bring my skateboard.

So, you’re in Melbourne for the International Comedy Festival. What can you say about your show?

I’m proud of it. I think it’s good. I’m having the time of my life. I’d recommend coming along if you like a privileged white man screaming at you about Australians being Nazis and New Zealanders not being that much better. That’s not a very strong sell, is it? Australians are Nazis and New Zealanders are too, and we need to learn that we are the bad guys, we don’t know that.

Oh my god. That lady that just walked past looked so pissed off.

That lady?

Yeah.

If she wants to talk to me, she can, and I will tell her she’s a Nazi. We came here killed people and stole land. Now, we’re still hanging out here like everything is cool. Like ‘do you want to go to the skatepark?’, ‘NO! We need to sort out the murders we did’. It’s messed up its god damn genocide. It's fucked.

I agree with you completely. People don’t acknowledge it. Can we talk about ‘New Zealand Today’?

Of course, that’s a much easier topic to talk about than calling Australians Nazis or whatever I’ve been doing.

Well, you’re not wrong. Has anyone been pissed off at the shows, because of how extreme your approach is?

I’m not sure. I got a mysterious envelope last night, but I still haven’t opened it yet. It’s so weird to get an envelope.

[Someone walks past in a pair of DC Court Graffiks]

Here’s the worst thing about skateboarding. That guy has the worst DCs I’ve ever seen. Skate shoes are generally very ugly if you wear them outside of the context of skateboarding. I like them but especially the chunky ones that are now back in fashion they are a very hard thing to pull off and that guy is not nailing it.

They are not easy to pull off at all. Those one’s are pretty bad.

There are cool skate shoes I don’t want to be a dick, but skate shoes have historically led many Australian and New Zealand white men astray they want to look like that guy, who’s that guy from Ridiculousness?

Rob Dyrdek.

Yeah, Rob Dyrdek. It’s dangerous fashion a DC flat brim and some chunky DC’s that’s some horrific fashion.

Seriously horrific. I know you went into this a bit earlier. For those who don’t know what is New Zealand Today?

It’s a show in New Zealand where I travel around as a fake journalist and interview people about stories that aren’t proper news stories, but they are stories that I am passionate about. So, our most famous stories are going to a woman who organised a New Zealand Flat Earth Convention. We interviewed a Mongrel Mob member, which is a very famous gang in New Zealand, who is running a healthy eating Facebook page. Which is ironic as the Mongrel Mob is known for selling hard drugs and it’s like if they wanted to help the community be healthier, they would probably just stop selling hard drugs instead of having a healthy eating Facebook page. But his heart was in the right place but that’s the main thing. So that’s what it’s kind of about.

I would love to film some in Australia because I feel like Australia has a lot of similar hilarious people. People often characterise the show as going to small towns and laughing at people. Which I don’t like because I reckon, we make small towns look better than they are often, and I like to think we find the humanity in people. This is probably me reading into my own thing with probably meaning that isn’t there. I think that the internet is fucking us so badly because it shows the worst of humanity and the worst of people, and I interview unusual people that have weird beliefs and kind of humanise them. I have been criticised for that. I generally think that everyone has humanity. I think everyone I have interviewed, even people that have despicable beliefs are often good people who are just misguided or brainwashed or troubled and that’s what I think is the crux of the show. Occasionally we laugh at people, but I like to think we are laughing with people and showing that life should be fun.

Except at the flat earth convention, right?

Nah, I like everyone who I met at the flat earth convention. I think they’re all generally good. Some of the Americans who make money off it, I think are grifters and they really piss me off. I love the lady we spoke to Adrienne. We’ve actually spoken to her multiple times, and we always have a great time when we are together. She is just a lovely lady who has been on the internet for too long. We interviewed her for two hours, one of my longest ever interviews cut down to four minutes.

That would’ve been so hard to cut down.

Yeah, it was brutal. We got to a moment where we stopped, and she was like ‘I can prove to you the earth is flat right now’. I was like perfect, this is great. She said, ‘let’s go outside and prove it right now’. We go outside and she’s pissed off and I found it so funny because of course it’s going to be ‘damn it’ and I asked, ‘what’s wrong’ and she’s like ‘the clouds are out’. I was like we can wait for hours for the clouds to move if you’re going to have some big revelation, it was very convenient she couldn’t prove her theory that day because the clouds are out. I had to say, ‘Adrienne I’ve spoken to you for hours and I’m finding you very hard to believe when every leading scientist in the world is telling me this thing and you’re telling me this complete opposite thing I can’t believe you’ and she just said, ‘why can’t you believe me I want to be believed’. It was almost like a plea; she was almost crying when she said that. I thought it was such a touching moment, I developed my home swung theory I’m not sure if I’ve read it on the internet since society really alienates people, the world is cold in modern society with cuts to benefits and stuff like that, if you’re not successful or can hold down a job or are doing a job that isn’t respected, or if something happens and you can be kicked out and be out on the street really easily and a lot of people can just quickly become ‘losers’. As Donald Trump says and completely alienated from society. Conspiracy theories offer this amazing gateway to not being a loser anymore. You go from being someone who isn’t particularly welcome in normal society to being a leader in the flat earth scene. What I love about Adrienne she is very capable and organised a whole convention about flat earth, which is a huge win when you think about it. She got the world’s leading experts on flat earth and yeah, they are people I think are idiots, fucking idiots, but she did that. It’s not easy to organise and it’s quite an amazing achievement. That’s when I could understand it a bit more. Like, yeah there are a lot of abhorrent things about that theory and also the run-on theories that those people believe, and I hope that Adrienne doesn’t believe all those, but I do understand the community aspect.

Is any of it staged or dramatized?

Yeah, heaps. We try to make it pretty real. Well, we often have to force a story, I might show up to a place and people don’t care. We will be like this is a big problem, isn’t it and they go, no it’s not a big problem. Then I’d be like ‘bro, we’re here with cameras for this story you have to say it’s a problem. We usually leave that in because me going to do a big story and them not giving a shit about it is funny. If you give me an example I can tell you.  

In the Opo the Dolphin episode, was that staged with Herb Leef?

Well, we fluked it with him. So, we were going to this down that worships this dolphin they killed in a dynamite fishing accident. It’s so funny that people used to fish with dynamite. As we’re doing the interviews, this huge man drives past in a tiny car and leans out the window and starts doing near perfect high pitched dolphin screams and then drives off. I start running after him, wanting him to come back. Then we meet with him, and I ask him what his name is, and he replies with Herb Leef. I was like ‘thank you, Jesus this is the greatest guy I’ve ever met in my life’. His name is Herb Leef, he says he is the Taniwha which is a mythical Māori sea monster, he says everyone knows his name and he is the Kaitiaki which means guardian of the town. I was like bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Everything he said was true. Everyone knew him everyone called him the Taniwha, he was the Kaitiaki and his name on his licence was Herb Leef. Also, we googled him to see what was on him, he went to the local farm show in his town, and he instantly won a cheese racing competition he was wearing jeans. A sprinting competition where you race against cheese. They roll a big block of cheese. I don’t understand it either. Then he won the keg throwing competition. He beat the guy who won the competition nine years in a row, he was going for ten then he was going to retire. Then Herb Leef came along and beat him. I genuinely believe Herb Leef has superhuman abilities, if you put him on a skateboard, I bet he would be the best skateboarder ever.

Some of the stories cover pretty touchy subjects. Has anyone ever had an extreme reaction to you asking them questions?

Yeah, we had a guy who said, ‘we couldn’t offend him’ and then the second question he ripped of his microphone and stormed off. The question was ‘are you vaccinated’ [laughs]. I learnt a very valuable lesson that day, everyone gets offended everyone is sensitive. The people who claim that people get too easily offended these days are generally very easily offended. That’s what I like about New Zealand Today it can push those peoples buttons a little bit. People who claim people get too easily offended or say comedy has gone ‘woke’, will flip out over bike lanes or something like that.

Are you vaccinated?

Yeah, man. I love vaccines. I’d take a vaccine for anything, if you told me there was a vaccine for athletes’ foot, I’d take it. If it’s been scientifically tested and proven give it to me. I’d trust the world’s leading scientists for most things, I think.

Me too honestly, call us sheeple if you will. Do you have any parting words for the skateboarding community?

Um, I want to see more original fashion and more tricks that are just big. I know skateboarders appreciate the little stuff but I just like the guys who go to skate comps and climb to the top of the judge’s booth, jump off and just waste themselves. That’s entertainment. You have to remember that skateboarding is entertainment. Comedy and sport too. No one wants to watch a basketball team go out there and clinically win a game, like the 2004 San Antonio Spurs. People want to see some guy drive the lane and try and dunk at every opportunity. Same with skateboarding it should be fun and entertainment. It’s sad when you see the Olympics and stuff where obviously it’s hard to make skateboarding a competition because it ruins people taking risks. Skateboarding should be about just doing stupid, funny and entertaining stuff. Yeah, the skateboarders can learn a lot from me [laughs].

We really can [laughs]. In your three weeks of skateboarding, you’ve really shaped some strong opinions.

And they’re all good, aren’t they?

I agree, they are great.

You can really tell that I like talking about myself so, thank you so much for this opportunity. I’m so stoked to be in whatever this is. What is this called?

Monster Children.

It’s always been my dream to be in Monster Children so like what a privilege. Thank you.

Thanks for being here and lunch, Guy. It’s been an honour.

Follow Guy, here.