The summer months are long in America, but with September comes the seasonal transition to autumn, then onward to winter and another year.

In my opinion, summer is overhyped—too warm to do anything and too built up as a means by which one might change one’s life (ie The Sandlot, Mama Mia, 500 Days of, etc). That said, there was something about Summer ’24 that really did it for me. It seems as though I and everyone around me had a good one full of travel, music, wine, love, loss, and satisfaction. In case you aren’t sure where the quality of your summer lies, here is a checklist of Yes/No questions by which you may calculate and measure.

1. Did your ass sweat articulate the shape of your buttcheeks through your cargo pants?

2. Did you eat small, unsatisfying meats and cheeses off of a blanket in the grass where a dog very recently peed?

3. Did you go on an unsuccessful Hinge date?

4. Did you go on a very successful Grindr date?

5. Did you cry with a cigarette on your fire escape? (bonus if you posted pics of it)

6. Did your thirst-trap/aesthetic-landscape carousel post get more than 100 likes?

7. Did you get harassed by a celebrity on Twitter?

8. Did you bite open a can of something?

9. Did you suffer a heat rash in Southern Europe, Los Angeles, or Mexico City?

10. Were you look down at your jean shorts + red ballet flats combo and feel cyberbullied by a fashion meme page?

11. Did you start reading a classic novel, post a photo of it, bring it to a coffee shop or a natural wine bar, and almost start it?

12. Did you spend extra money at the bar because you were sweating out the alcohol as quickly as you were drinking it and therefore had to drink twice as much twice as fast to not feel your normal level of social anxiety?

13. Did you finish an ice cream cone without worrying that you’re sexualizing it?

14. Did you help the neighborhood kids pop open a fire hydrant to play in?

15. Did you get a long-sustained cough from music festival dust?

16. Did you lose the boots you bought especially for a music festival and come home barefoot?

17. Did you start drinking chilled natural (whatever the fuck that means) wine?

18. Did you go to more than (1) of your homies’ full-length video premiers at the local bar?

19. Did you shoot your shot in real life and not over the internet or into a napkin?

20. Did you get invited to more than (3) ‘It’s a chill backyard/rooftop/patio afterhours kickback—my homie is DJing an ambient/house set at 3AM, so come around then’?

21. Did you finally give in and join a climbing gym that you’re too shy to participate in?

22. Were you, at any point, wearing a little tiny pink cowboy hat?

23. Did you inconvenience an elderly resident of a Greek or Italian island for the sake of a thirst trap photo?

24. Did you see Blink 182 live in concert?

25. Did you see members of Blink 182 not in concert?

26. Did you give a shaggy mullet a try?

27. Did your team win?

28. Did you download Hinge and then delete it when you realized how much work it took to make a profile?

29. Were you a part of a group photography show/art exhibit/mixed media showcase/open reading/listening party?

30. Did you annoy your peers by getting really into a band that everyone already considers a standard? (‘Yeah, but have you really listened to Moby?’)

31. Did you hear a song you absolutely love get bastardized and remixed for a trend on Tiktok?

32. Did you go on a hike and enjoy it?

33. Was one of your friends aggressive about getting the pics from last night?

34. Did you have a moment of quiet existential satisfaction while swimming in a lake, river, or ocean?

35. Did you say the word ‘brat’?

36. Did you catch yourself in the reflection of a window and think, ‘Fuck, I’m lookin’ good today!’

37. Did you enter your vehicle and burn yourself on the faux leather of your car seat?

38. Did you spend a sunny day in front of the fan doing nothing at all?

39. Did you do something nice for someone?

40. Did you do something nice for yourself?

Now add up your Yes’s and compare the results with the chart below.

30-40: Congratulations! You had the best fucking summer ever! You saw some good bands, had some good hair, drank some good drinks, and probably kissed someone. This is a summer that you will never forget; one of yearning and fulfillment which you will happily look back on as you edge closer to death. Now throw a sweater on and do it again for Fall.

20-30: You’re in the majority in terms of summer quality, which is pretty fuckin’ good. You lost your new boots, but it was worth it because it’s things like that that make the good moments a bit better. It’s all a story, in the end, and when you’re telling the Summer of ’24 story to your offspring, your boot loss will make the amazing Chappel Roan set sound that much sweeter in contrast.

10-20: Not the best, not the worst. A toss-up, really. Seems you mostly stayed inside, alone, in a hole. But these are the summers that you learn from. These are the summers that you remember as being necessary for your growth and for your mental health. After all, if you never spend a summer in a fit of depression, how will you know if you have a summer of joy and wonder? You have to know the Yin in order to know the Yang.

>10: Better luck next year.