I’m lazy and also over the age of twenty, but my desire to get drunk in the middle of the week with my friends and talk to girls (and potentially but probably not have sex with them) leads me to believe that I need a Halloween Costume every year, including this Thursday.

Like all other aspects in my life, I seek to accomplish these goals as simply and easily and minimally as possible, and in a way that is sure to tell the rest of the world, ‘I skate, you don’t, so you don’t get my costume, but trust me, it’s better than yours.’ See? I’m just like you. We are one hive mind. So you probably don’t need this list because you already know it, but just in case you are one of those in the skateboarding hive mind who smokes more weed than the rest of us, I’ve jotted them down for you.

A Curb

Just wear all red and lie down.

Heath Kirchart

Wear a white t-shirt, slim white pants, a backwards hat, and don’t talk to anybody.

The Ghost of 2016

Camo pants, a cropped Thrasher T, and maybe some face paint that makes you look as dead as those trends that fucking dominated my Instagram feed from 2016-2018. If only you could fuck up an ollie sex change in slo-mo with Suicide Boys playing, that’d really bring the costume some true authenticity.

A Scooter Kid

Wear a fuck load of pads and every time you see anyone having any sort of fun or doing something interesting and challenging that they care about very much, run in front of them and knock them the fuck out, then cry and have your dad beat them up.

Elijah Berle

This might be the only costume on the list where you actually need to shed items rather than put them on. I have seen Elijah Berle with some frequency over the years, and I have not yet seen him wear a t-shirt. It is a tank top or nothing. I have seen him walking down Houston in New York City in chilly Spring weather holding his fiancé’s hand in only a tank top. I have seen him at a wedding tits out. The man is anti-top. All you need for this costume is a pair of dickies, Vans, and a few drawn on tattoos and you’re there.

The SOTY Trophy

Gold body paint, gold shirt, gold shorts, gold board, and let Jamie Foy hold you again this year.