In Issue #38, we profiled the awesome band Guards. The Californian three-piece has just released their debut album, In Guards We Trust, and we have a bunch of copies to give away. Simply subscribe by 8pm end of Memorial Day weekend (Monday, June 27) and score a free copy. Your music for summer: covered.
I’m Going to Hook Up with Sharon Stone. Part 2
Posted By Jason – 16.12.2012
The response to last week’s ‘I’m going to Hook-up with Sharon Stone’ post has been nothing short of incredible. Besides my father (‘You’re dreamin’ mate’), everyone seems to think I have a sporting chance at getting her in the sack. Above is an email I received from a girl named Mariam. She capitalized and emboldened the word ‘NOT’ in ‘Martin Mica is absolutely NOT hot,’ and that gave me pause…Actually, I’m not sure if it gave me pause because I’ve never fully understood what it means to be given pause. Let’s just say I had a moment where I thought, ‘maybe this whole Sharon Stone thing isn’t so creepy and insane as I first thought.’
So that’s Martin Mica on the left, Fabio on the right: president and vice-president of the Lizard People, respectively. Martin is a ghastly looking fellow, isn’t he? What’s he trying to say with that eyebrow? He can’t be serious. And what’s his mouth doing? It looks like it’s about to dispense a change. Taking Sharon off him will be like stealing candy from a baby… a baby that looks like a big fucking lizard.
Right now Sharon has no idea I even exist, so how do I get her to notice me? By writing the most romantic letter that’s ever been written, that’s how.
What are you doing with that Martin Mica dude? He’s ridiculous! Not only that he looks like King of the Lizard People. You can do better, Sharon, much better. You’re punching below your belt and I can’t bear to watch.
Sharon, one time you said, ‘I like men in that old-fashioned way. I like masculinity…’ If you like masculinity so much, why are you humping that pantywaist? He shaves his arms, Sharon; did you notice that? What kind of man shaves his arms? I’ll tell you, Sharon, a gay man shaves his arms. There’s nothing wrong with being gay, but there’s something very wrong with a straight man shaving anything but his face, I’m just saying.
Sharon, if you have a baby with this sissy I guarantee it’ll come out flimsy and transparent like a sick Mexican Walking Fish. Don’t do it, Sharon, please.
Sharon, what I’m trying to say here is your boyfriend makes Zac Efron look like Clint Eastwood. Does he piss sitting down? I know teacups with more testosterone than your boyfriend. Come on, Sharon, just look at him! Who is he, the High Priest of the Order of the Lizard? Get serious.
You can do a lot better, Sharon. I’m just saying.
P.s. Check into the Waldorf on January 6th and leave a key at the front desk for me. When I come up, make sure you’re wearing a French maid uniform.
Los Angelenos, make sure to catch the Blank Tapes perform at the Satellite, Friday, May 31st, as they celebrate the release of their latest record, Vacation, which after having a listen to the groovy tunes makes me want to pack up the van and do just that. The evening also brings you sets from fellow favorites The Abigails and Jeffertitti's Nile.
A whopping $8 bones. Get at it.
As introduction to this years Surf Film Festival, those crazy Spanish dudes have made a mockumentary series about searching for the perfect wave. Definitely the most insane and ridiculous, filming the festival has been part of all leading up to the official image of Surf Film Festival 11.
This years festival has events running through the entire summer, in partnership with other collectives who work around the ocean; new exhibitions, cultural spaces and workshops. Heaps of music, good films from Thomas Cmapbell, Taylor Stelle, Patrick Trefz and many more, all to be announced on the 30th of May.
Chapter 1: The boat leaves for new adventure
Chapter 2: Swimming with skarks to the desert island
Chapter 3: Finding the perfect wave
The ourCASTE Quick Cuts series are a bi-monthly collaborative release from a community of enthusiasts interpreting the things they love through different mediums influenced by the sub-cultures that connect us all.
Visualising a story of places they've been, people they've met and experiences shared together, ourCASTE seek to be a curator of sorts to the youth and an outlet for those weird, left brain ideas to be projected to that otherwise wouldn't necisarily have a home for. The end goal aiming to be a series entirely created by contributors.
Check out the website to see a bit more what they're about.