Monster Children

I’m Going to Hook Up with Sharon Stone. Part 2
Posted By Jason – 16.12.2012

The response to last week’s ‘I’m going to Hook-up with Sharon Stone’ post has been nothing short of incredible. Besides my father (‘You’re dreamin’ mate’), everyone seems to think I have a sporting chance at getting her in the sack. Above is an email I received from a girl named Mariam. She capitalized and emboldened the word ‘NOT’ in ‘Martin Mica is absolutely NOT hot,’ and that gave me pause…Actually, I’m not sure if it gave me pause because I’ve never fully understood what it means to be given pause. Let’s just say I had a moment where I thought, ‘maybe this whole Sharon Stone thing isn’t so creepy and insane as I first thought.’

So that’s Martin Mica on the left, Fabio on the right: president and vice-president of the Lizard People, respectively. Martin is a ghastly looking fellow, isn’t he? What’s he trying to say with that eyebrow? He can’t be serious. And what’s his mouth doing? It looks like it’s about to dispense a change. Taking Sharon off him will be like stealing candy from a baby… a baby that looks like a big fucking lizard.

Right now Sharon has no idea I even exist, so how do I get her to notice me? By writing the most romantic letter that’s ever been written, that’s how.

Dear Sharon,

What are you doing with that Martin Mica dude? He’s ridiculous! Not only that he looks like King of the Lizard People. You can do better, Sharon, much better. You’re punching below your belt and I can’t bear to watch.

Sharon, one time you said, ‘I like men in that old-fashioned way. I like masculinity…’ If you like masculinity so much, why are you humping that pantywaist? He shaves his arms, Sharon; did you notice that? What kind of man shaves his arms? I’ll tell you, Sharon, a gay man shaves his arms. There’s nothing wrong with being gay, but there’s something very wrong with a straight man shaving anything but his face, I’m just saying.

Sharon, if you have a baby with this sissy I guarantee it’ll come out flimsy and transparent like a sick Mexican Walking Fish. Don’t do it, Sharon, please.

Sharon, what I’m trying to say here is your boyfriend makes Zac Efron look like Clint Eastwood. Does he piss sitting down? I know teacups with more testosterone than your boyfriend. Come on, Sharon, just look at him! Who is he, the High Priest of the Order of the Lizard? Get serious.

You can do a lot better, Sharon. I’m just saying.

Love, Jason.

P.s. Check into the Waldorf on January 6th and leave a key at the front desk for me. When I come up, make sure you’re wearing a French maid uniform.