Eithan Osborne’s Guide To Health And Wellness

Photos courtesy of Eithan

We really thought we had Eithan Osborne’s whole situation figured out.

What can we say? When we meet someone who is just great to be around, consistently sinks four to six beers with us, and is an absolute menace on some fibreglass on the side we get along famously. We like to keep them close.

That probably explains why Eithan’s been featured on both our pixelated and printed pages plenty of times now already.

But then we hear something about how he self-exiled himself to one of those sports rehabilitation facilities slash hospitals slash One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest setups that you’re not allowed to leave somewhere in southwest France and we’re, like: oh, we actually don’t know a thing. Thankfully, that’s where phone calls, interviews, and transcriptions come in handy.

In classic Monster Children fashion, however, we sat on the transcription for more than two weeks because of life, other work, and everything else that gets in the way. That and, frankly, transcribing is really tedious. I'm sorry, but when you get off your fifth eight-hour work day in a row the last thing you want is to look at another screen and hear the sound of your own voice. But thankfully, and again in the Monster Children mode de vie, our subject now just happens to be fresh off a big contest win. So, he's in the front of everyone’s minds in a way that we could not have possibly foreseen or accounted and the timing is just right. 

And with that, here's Eithan on sending himself to health prison, figuring out injuries, doing really big airs, new movies, and so much more.

Eithan! What’s up dude what’s happening? See you're coming off some crazy injury how'd you beat yourself up? 

I remember during the Stab Highway thing I threw an egg at Dane and my shoulder, just, popped out? But that was over two years ago and then from there it dislocated maybe six times. And then in Hawaii this year it got so bad I couldn’t do anything so I had to get surgery on it. 

And that’s why you were trapped in that giant, brick rehab facility in Capbreton, right? I remember when I lived over that way I would always surf in front of that but never saw anyone go in or out but knew it was a sports rehabilitation place but it always gave me the most sinister vibes. 

Yes, dude. It's crazy. I don't know, it was so strict. It's like half prison, half rehab facility. It’s gnarly. It was all just physios and rugby players crazy big people wandering around. 

Must’ve been fun literally not being able to surf and yet you can see all those spots in Capbreton outside your actual window. That was a bit tortuous I can imagine. 

It is such a nightmare. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I was like, oh, it’ll be sweet I’ll just stay here and it’s right on the beach. I'll be able to go jump in the water and stuff and it should be cool. And then I got there and it was like, okay, you have to be out of bed by 7:30 and start training at eight until, like, four. I was not allowed to go on the beach and had to be back by seven to eat dinner and there were all these gnarly rules.

That sounds like the closest you can get to prison without it being an actual prison. It was the most regimented summer camp of all time, basically.

I called it prison the whole time (laughs). All I was able to do was finish training at four and then I’d have two hours to maybe run down the street to grab a beer and some cheese. 

Honestly, there’s no better spot than Capbreton for those two exact things.

Yeah but then after dinner at, like, seven, you weren't allowed to leave the premises again. So pretty much would just sit there watching a nice sunset and everyone on the beach chilling and I was, like, oh that looks fun.

So you were fully scratching at the windows. 

Pretty much. My view was also, like, perfectly pointed at the bunkers and the waves. So I just saw everything.

That's absolutely torturous. How’d you end up there in the first place? Aside from the allure of that tax-supported, French healthcare of course.

Well, I’ve had a few surgeries done. I did my knees three times in Ventura and it wasn't that great. There's nowhere here that really is 100% focused. If I did it here, I'd have to drive, I don't know, like an hour or something, you know? And that’d be every three days a week or something. I kind of just wanted to really focus and get healed as soon as possible, because I had shit to do. It was intense. But it was good. I'm really glad I did it. It got me back so fast.

And it looks like you went straight into Indo afterwards so it seems like you accomplished that. 

Yeah, I mean it was three weeks but three weeks of just getting better and stronger.

Right so did you pop around Indo doing the boat thing or set yourself down in Bali and let it ride?

I actually started at Krui for two weeks and then went to Simeulue. I actually didn't even go to Bali. So, you can actually go to Indo and not get stuck in Bali (laughs).

Clear the outer rings of the blast radius, for sure. That sounds pretty nice. 

We were going on a mission. I don't know. Like, if we had known that a couple of days, especially in Krui which were just shit. And if we had known that, we definitely would have gone to Bali. But we stuck it out and tried to get as many clips as we could. 

And who’d you go out there with?

I went with Ian Crane and Jacob Vanderwork. And then Kael Walsh met us out in Simeulue. 

And now you get to come back to California, where, actually, we have actually really good, fun waves. Are you sticking around here for a little bit?

I’m home for another, ohhh…? Ten days? Then I’m off to Japan. 

Oh yeah for the air thing. 

Yeah, that's going to be fun. But it’ll be fun I’m going with my girlfriend and we're going to do five days in Tokyo before the event. So go going like five days early and just kind of send it around Tokyo. 

Oh, that'll be great. Have you surfed around Japan much before?

I've been to Chiba and Miyazaki okay before but I haven't been to Tokyo and done that whole thing. 

You’ll have a blast. I mean, it's Tokyo. 

No surfing and just go full tourist mode, it’ll be sick.

And then you’re headed to a pool so basically still in tourist mode there.

Pretty much like a tourist.

Anything else from Tokyo or just sticking around here?

Well, from Tokyo I'm going to go to Bali for a week and then do a Billabong boat trip that’ll kind of be like the one we did a few years ago. It’ll be with, like, Creed and Parko so it’ll be cool to be with those guys again. And then from there to Aus for maybe two more weeks or so and try to finish my film, and then after that, yeah… I’ll be chilling (laughs).

So, a normal crazy and pretty packed schedule.

It's been non-stop. 

What’s that film you’re putting together in Aus? Is that something you’ve been working at over just the past year? Should we expect to see something maybe this year?

No, I've been, well, trying to work on it for a while now. I was doing contests and that got in the way and then there were a couple of injuries and then I did a couple trips for other people (laughs). Like, Harry's film and Chippa’s film.

I mean I rewatched Motel Hell the other day and, really no surprise, but what a really fucking solid surf movie.

 (Laughs) I could use just those clips and then the Zipper footage and that’d already be a pretty solid movie. It would’ve been done a lot longer ago, but, no, 

You're going to keep it exciting for the people! Giving us the fresh stuff.

Man, I got to get mine. At least I gotta get some waves. I keep getting either skunked or hurt and I just can't seem to catch a break for my movie. But that’s all storytelling, though. It'll come along good. I think it'll be all right.

How's everything else been going on up your way? How are the rest of the boys and Chapter 11 team and all our other friends? Have you guys moved to your second location yet? 

No, well, Dane’s still looking but it’s tough to find a spot around here.

I can't imagine it's the cheapest undertaking. California real estate is… yeah, that’s stressing me out.

But yeah other than that just sticking at home. I’m sure Hunter is enjoying his little vacation with all of us out of town. He doesn’t have to sit on the beach and film all day. And the Japan stuff will be hilarious. Hunter’s funny… he can make shit out of almost anything.

And what’s on your agenda for the rest of the day?

Yeah, I’m going to get in some In-N-Out because I still haven't got my welcome home In-N-Out burger.

Ah, come on man that’s the first stop. Like, literally, it's the first stop. It's right there next to LAX off Lincoln.

But also sometimes you just need to get home (laughs). Sometimes you have to get out of there. It was a full forty-eight hours of travelling. 

Oh, dude. No. Fuck that, no.

I was like, “Get me home!” But there’s also an In-N-Out 100 metres from my house, and I let it slip so now I got to go and get it.

The seed’s been planted. Does your house not smell like an In-N-Out all the time then?

Well, I’m off a freeway on the other side of a Marriott. 

All right. Yeah, that makes sense. Okay so. You have the Marriott and other fumes blocking the smell. That's a nice shield.

And that north wind is blowing all the time.

Well, up to anything else while you’re doing your little, mini reload? 

Just cruising and keeping it thins as minimal as possible before hitting it hard again.

Well, go do an air so big you almost die! Good luck out there, Ethan, talk soon.

Later!